Listening to the Call

Have you ever known something for far longer than you've wanted to admit?
Weird question to ask at a beginning of a post, but how about I phrase it like this:
        Have you ever known the direction you should be heading, but you just said "NO"?

I guess this has been something that has been floating in my mind since I was 19 years old when I first really started writing in this blog. Which I guess means I should start back to when I was 19.

When I was 19, I was active in Campus Crusade down in Central Ohio. I attended many retreats during my freshman year of college and all were impactful, but the Fall Retreat was what set my life on a path I never could have predicted. I guess the best thing to call this moment is an inciting incident or turning point in my life. When I was 19 yrs old, I sat on a bridge during quiet time of the retreat and decided at that moment that I was completely lost in what I was supposed to do with life and just prayed to God something that went like this:

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I know it doesn't feel right and I don't know what to do. I'm tired of talking so I'm going to shut up now and listen so I know what to do. God, if you have something to say, I'm listening.

The thing I learned that day is that God does speak and will say things that will shake you. He said one thing to me during my quiet time and it was this:

MINISTRY

In my infinite wisdom, I said stopped listening and thought, "No, no. That's not for me. I'm not called into ministry. That's what my dad and brother do. I want to be active, but ministry is so not going to be a part of it. I don't have the patience and don't have what it takes to do ministry."

The Monday after the retreat, I read the book of Jonah and was majorly convicted and knew that I couldn't run away from this call...

                            I guess you can tell where this is going.

I transferred schools, started a young adult group (and then left the group a few years later), volunteered to help with a just for girls bible study, helped with the children's Christmas program a couple of years, sang on a young adult praise team for a few months, started as a young adult helper then moved as 1/3 of the youth interim team, and all during that time had been lifted up and beaten down by the church. I had many of days when I wanted to walk away, yet God pulled me back in. The thought never crossed my mind to leave the church ever, because I felt so connected to it even when I was burnt out, alone and broken.

So now let's fast forward to the current time to my Emmaus walk. The last post covers the impact it had on my life, yet I kept out a major part that I was still running from. Ministry.

See, my Emmaus walk wrecked my life. My life in general seemed to be okay and I was okay with the status quo, but my Emmaus walk wrecked any of my own personal plans and broke the complacency I had been living in for far too long. It wrecked me in the best possible way and I have been gaining more and more insight from my walk since April. It's been great and also the hardest thing to deal with.

You see, there have been many times during the times since I was 19 yrs old that people have asked me whether I would go into ministry. It was always easy to blow it off then, but after my walk it started to get harder and harder to write it off. I always had a good excuse why ministry was not the direction I should head in. I was prepped for response and was able to eloquently define my answer. I even started using the term "active laity" and most people left me alone after saying that.

Then I went to Lakeside for the East Ohio United Methodist Annual Conference. I went early on Sunday morning and had a great time hearing the sermon and spending time with friends. It seemed like it would be a typical week and I wanted to make sure that I had time to relax and to try to figure out why I felt so off recently. It became apparent on Monday night that I would have to face the thing when one of my friends who was there sent me this quote:

"We are accustomed to imagining the experience of conversion or sudden call to grace as an 'Oh joy' phenomenon. In my experience... at the moment we finally listen to the call we may say, ' O thank you, Lord'; or we may say, 'O Lord, I am not worthy'; or we may say, 'O shit, do I have to?" ~ Brennan Manning

I liked the quote but it hit me. The next day I was able to ignore this turning feeling inside of me and was having a good day. I was planning on attending one of the special evening services that I had never been to before and was meeting my friend who is now my Pastor. He and I sat next to each other during this service, which happened to be the Ordination Service. This service includes laying hands on to new pastors who are just beginning in their ministries and it was a very moving service. Then a part I was not expecting, they had a type of alter call for people feeling called in ministry...

My friend, a friend who has seen me lead groups and seen me grow since I was in high school, half-jokingly said, "You should go down."

I couldn't look at him. I looked forward and made eye contact with no one. I also spotted the two District Superintendents that I knew (one I knew since I was a baby and one I knew from my Emmaus walk because she was the one who I broke down to) and that brought fear inside of me. Thoughts were racing through my head like, "I kind of want to go down. But I don't think I can be a pastor, or can I? What am I thinking, if they see me this is not good. Lord, this can't be it. Not here, not now! My job is good, I just bought a house, my life is now in a good place and you want to do this to me?"

Thankfully, the Bishop wrapped up this alter call before my friend could pester me anymore about this. Yet, I had this aching in my heart that I could not get rid of. I had never felt something weigh this heavy on my heart so I texted my friend the next morning as I walked around to see if there would be a time we could meet. He said yes and throughout the day we worked out a time.

We were upstairs in the coffeeshop as I sit in the corner trying to figure out what to exactly say, since I had never really told anyone other than my dad about the time when I was 19 and heard the word ministry. I was terrified, but I let it out and told my friend everything. I told him how I had heard God call me when I was 19 and had been running away from it. I told him that I had been scared, because I was in school and had no direction of what I wanted to do with this degree. I told him that I loved my job, but felt like I had completely lost my focus for work because I felt like I was longing for something else and it was frustrating me to no end, since I really enjoy what I do. I told him how the last couple of days I had conversations with people that had left such an impact on me that it led me to question what I could do to understand God more and to help the pastors I had spoken to. I told him all of this through tears, because I didn't know what to do. It tore me up, since I knew I was called, but didn't know. AND if that wasn't enough, I was terrified to tell my parents about what I had been feeling.

It was a great conversation and has led to a lot of prayer, quiet time and will lead to even more prayer and quiet time so I can 100% discern this direction. But with talking with my friend, it led me to the realization that I had to talk to my dad about this. We were able to get dinner together that evening and before that we were able to walk around a bit. It was at the end of the pier that I was able to tell my dad that I had felt called into working with the church and was totally terrified about it. We talked as we walked and as we had dinner. We discussed concern of direction and everything that was currently happening in my life. We talked about the specific type of ministry I would be best suited for and how to start looking. He mentioned he had a friend who worked at a seminary who would be a good connection to help me find a direction, in typical God fashion, my dad's friend was sitting right behind us and was getting ready to leave while he stopped at our table to talk. We told him we were just talking about him and how I was interested in attending seminary in a unique way and he told us of a great program that would fit with exactly what I was looking for. I met up with him later at the ministry fair to fill out a form requesting for more information on that program. I was filled with excitement and felt like I had direction back in my life.

The next day, which happened to be the last day of my vacation, I was filled with joy! This anxiousness had been lifted and I was ready to do what I needed to do to move forward. I can say this for a fact, I will not be starting seminary for at least a year and as of right now I believe I will be heading through the diploma route in leadership coaching. That does not mean something may change and will feel called in another direction for seminary (I've been running enough to know not to set anything in stone yet). But this I do know, I will finish up my current degree program and be at may current position as long as I need to be there. I know that seminary is in my future and I know that the next six months will be important as I become a member of a new church with my friend who helped me stop running.

I will admit, I am terrified yet excited. I am so happy my life was so wrecked into redemption that I was able to fully answer the call and not say "no," but to finally say "Yes, Lord. I'm terrified, but I'm in."

My 4th Day

It's been a number of months since I last posted on this blog and the sad thing about that is that I have often thought how much I should post in it. See, when I write I our much of myself in it even if it simply an opinion piece and there was much I did not want to write about since I was in a place of denial. But I have come to realization recently that I have turned over a new leaf in my life.

You see, I attended a spiritual retreat a couple weekends ago called an Emmaus Walk. The whole weekend is based on the passage in Luke 24:13-35 and is filled with many talks and times of reflections. There are a lot of amazing moments that take place during the Thursday evening till Sunday evening, but I am not going to go into all of the events that took place during the weekend. No, what I am going to go into the detail is how the wall that had been surrounding my heart for far too long was torn down and how my heart has been changed.

Where to begin? Well, the best place to start is how this wall was built up around me and made it difficult for me to open up to anyone. You see, when I transferred schools, I started a young adult group at church since I saw a need and refused to sit complacent. There were many times that were difficult and was so worth it to see the positive things that came out of the group, but I began to feel empty since I was giving everything of myself and was not refueling. Then there was a time that I wanted this group to head up something for the kids, but got burned by someone in the church and started to separate myself from the church. I started attending less and less of the young adult groups and was feeling very frustrated and alone. I then slowly started joining this young adult worship team at church an was slowly starting to feel okay, but there were too many in the group who thought it more as an entertaining aspect than worship. Then the new Youth Leader asked me if I was willing to help out with the youth and be one of three young adult leaders within the youth group. I told him I would check it out and started to get active with that. I started getting close with the two guys who were also the young adult leaders and it was going great. Then the youth leader left and the three of us were placed as interim youth leaders and faced many hardships. Also during the time of being a youth leader, my dad (who was my pastor as well) was facing difficulty with the congregation. I felt very lonely and started opening up with one of the other youth leaders who I worked with and he was pretty much my only confidant who I would be vulnerable with. My dad later moved to a different church and I felt very broken and untrusting of the church in general. I tried finding another church to attend, but no one welcomed me in and I started feeling like community in the church didn't exist. This brokenness carried over in a lot of other places in my life and I tried finding other things to fill in the gap that I was feeling and of course, nothing felt right. I was going through the motions and felt alone even when friends surrounded me. Life just didn't feel like it was right.

So when I was able to go on this walk, I knew it would change me, but I never expected it to change me as much as it did.

The first night I talked with people and laughed and it was fun. Friday is when the wall that surrounded my heart started to crack with a number of the talks that we had. It became harder and harder for me to wear the mask of looking like I had it together. Then Saturday came around and there was one talk that was like God unleashed a sledgehammer to the wall surrounding my heart to find a way into it. I won't lie; it hurt. I had not felt that vulnerable in such a long time and after that talk, I could not look up. I forgot what it felt like to be vulnerable and was filled with so much fear with anyone knowing just how much pain I had been fostering for so long. Fortunately, one of the leaders who saw me from across the room spotted me looking down and knew something was up. She came over to me and asked if she could pray for me. If there was any wall left surrounding my heart at that point, she had the final blow to take it down. 

With a wall down, I had to face all the hurt and all the pain and all the denial I had been covering up for so long. There was no more hiding it and I broke down. I broke down once with a friend who I made on the trip and that evening with on of the spiritual advisors. It was when talking with the spiritual advisor that I finally realized how empty I had been and had been dragging myself along life. The one thing that got me (which to be honest is not the first time I have been asked this question) is that she had asked me how I was still able to go to church? It's a legit question after the amount of hurt I had faced from the church, but I gave her an answer without even thinking it over. "I go to see God." 

With the amount of hurt I had faced, with all the times I tried to fill the hole in my heart (whether with an unhealthy relationship with someone or having a few too many drinks to numb the pain), I still went to church every Sunday so I could have the chance to encounter God. I so badly wanted to break down and have someone ask me, "How is it with you Soul?" And you know what? I did. That entire weekend broke down every wall I had built up and helped me let go of one of the most painful times of my life and was finally able to forgive them all and to let it go.


So, I bet you may be wondering why this is entitled "My 4th Day"? Well, it is a phrase that goes with Emmaus of what happens beyond the walk, beyond the weekend experience. It is the choice of whether we are going to allow this experience to stay during the weekend or change us for the rest of our lives. For me, I'm choosing to let it change me. There are many things that I have been able to see change in my life just from returning from the walk. There are also many things that I know will be coming in my future; I just am not sure what they fully are. All I know is that it will be okay, because I have Jesus walking beside me during whatever I am facing.

The Small Glimmer

“At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey.” ~ A Series of Unfortunate Events

Have you noticed that tons of people say they hate watching the evening news because it shows everything wrong with the world? They say that it is too depressing and they choose not to watch it, because they experience horrible things in their own life and do not need the constant negative news.

I can understand this response. So much of the news that everyone is seeing is negative and shows the horrible things that are happening in the world. The news prevents us from being blissfully ignorant to the wretched happenings on our planet. It can be utterly depressing to see that humanity really hasn’t changed much over the centuries with having bigotry still prevalent, mass shootings, terrorist attacks, innocent deaths and so on. History has not changed and can be depressing.

“At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey.” ~ A Series of Unfortunate Events

People switch off the news before they show a glimpse of humanity at the end. They will show how people are still fighting for the hope of mankind. This small praise of good in humanity overshadows all the negatives.

I know people complain about all the horrible news that are spread, but aren’t we now aware of the injustice in the world? Aren’t we now given the opportunity to fight for change?

And that is what is happening. There are so many organizations that have now come to the forefront to fight against these injustices. People are now feeling convicted to making a change in the world. People are choosing to bring good into the world and creating hope.

I refuse to believe that there is no hope for people. There is so much good happening, but it is done in this underground movement type of way, which I think is perfect. Why, because the people that are fighting aren’t demanding for praise or acknowledgement, but are simply fighting because it is the right thing to do.

These series of unfortunate news and depressing stories are the wake up call, the call to action to make the world a better place. These events are the beginning of a journey to make the world a better place and it is up to us whether we choose to listen to it or just stay ignorant.

You decide what's right you decide what's good

People make mistakes, Holding to their own, Thinking they're alone. Honor their mistakes; Everybody makes; Fight for their mistakes; One another's terrible mistakes. Witches can be right, Giants can be good. You decide what's right you decide what's good. ~ No One Is Alone, Into the Woods

Into the Woods is one of my favorite musicals of all time. It’s one of those musicals that I quote and actually have the original cast recording in my car so I can listen to it as I’m driving to work. I love all the songs to this musical, but as I have gotten older and rediscovering some of the deeper meaning to the lyrics, I have really fallen in love with the song “No One Is Alone.”

The entire song is brilliant with the idea that you have to make your own decisions and that there is a certain point you need to proceed on your own, but that you will never completely be alone. My favorite part of the song though is:

People make mistakes, Holding to their own, Thinking they're alone. Honor their mistakes; Everybody makes; Fight for their mistakes; One another's terrible mistakes. Witches can be right, Giants can be good. You decide what's right you decide what's good.

The part of this that I want to focus on is “Witches can be right, Giants can be good. You decide what’s right you decide what’s good.”

Too often we make rash decisions and categorize people as a good guy or a bad guy based on irrational things. It’s easier for us to say that all “witches” are bad, but we don’t know their intentions nor do we know them.

That’s why I love the musical, because you get to see everyone’s intentions and motives and everything is gray.


The beauty of this song is saying that we are all different and things will be complicated, but we are not alone. There are others on our side, but need to be aware that we cannot just judge and say that one side is better than the other, since it is more complicated than that. It’s such a great for children and adults alike, since we always need reminded of this lesson.

Change the world by starting with yourself

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ~ Rumi

Change, in my humble opinion, is one of the most controversial words a person can say. Change is a word that so many people will fight against, because it insights new patterns and shifts perceptions. Even with the constant push back on it, change will always happen.

There will be some natural progression of change and then some man-made movements of change. I personally enjoy following up with the man-made movements of change, because I like learning about the human-condition and why people do the things they do and feel passionate about certain topics.

Anyway, people are determined to change the world because they see injustice in the world. This is a perfectly understandable reason on demanding change in the world, because we should fight against injustice.

But with this idea of changing the world, are we choosing the change ourselves?

The wise thing to do is to change ourselves before we even take the endeavor of changing our surroundings. Before going too much farther I want to distinguish the fact that we as humans will never reach the perfect level of self-awareness. What I am meaning is constantly evaluating our motives and our thoughts.

What I used to do every couple of months is to take time to self-evaluate myself. I would take a personal inventory of myself and determine whether I was where I wanted to be. This evaluation helps me grow in deep ways. When you start writing out things or listing things about your life, it is amazing how deep you can get. You start realizing where your priorities are and personally, it inspires me to change parts of myself. Once making these personal changes, this new mentality starts to overflow in other aspects of my life. It’s absolutely wonderful and refreshing. The process can be painful if done correctly, because you have to call yourself out on the crap that you are doing. It is being accountable to yourself and the inner change and lead to an enlightened mindset.

So if you want to help change the world, start with yourself and it be easier to help bring change to the world.

Normalizing Panic

I want to apologize for the lack of writing I have done the last number of months. There are still series I want to write and different topics I want to cover, but it has been hard to balance work, grad school, and my social life on top of writing this blog. I am going to try to post certain posts, like Quote Mondays more and will occasionally do a Business Wednesday and/or Random Friday. But let's move on to the actual post.

“Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.” ~ Anaïs Nin

 Since June, my life seems like it has been in a constant blur. There have been so many changes in my life, all which are good, but have had no real time to process these immediate changes. This has thus led me down a destructive road of bottling up my emotions and thus causing panic attacks. If you recall, I wrote a blog post a couple of years ago about my very first panic attack. Since then, I have experienced them more frequently and it is no fun. I'm actually pretty good at picking up on the signs of the beginning stages of this attack. Typically I do not go into full-blown attacks, but every once in a while, I'm unable to prevent it. 

“Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.” ~ Anaïs Nin

I'm not sure if you (whoever is reading this) have experienced a panic attack, but you literally feeling like you are dying. The description that Anaïs Nin gives is a perfect description of what it feels like. It feels like you are being dragged down and have no hope of being able to pull yourself out of it.

Now this is typically the part of the post where I give some type of positive message of how I’m combating this or some self-awareness moment, but not this time. I just think we need to speak more about the fact that people have these types of anxiety.

For example, I have had full on conversations with friends about how normal having these types of attacks are. We have different personality traits and how we react to situations, yet we all have these panic attacks and believe they are a part of life. This is kind of messed up since we are in are early-mid 20s and believe panic attacks are just part of life.

I believe we think this is normal since we have now put extreme pressure on kids at such an early age. Test scores, being the successful athlete, talking about how you need to be in a certain amount of extracurricular so you can get scholarships and be able to get into a good school to then be able to get into a good Master program and so on. This is the crap and pressure that is being fed at such an early age and it is ridiculous.

Pressure is not bad, but the high level is just insane since it takes passion out of people. It kills the love that people can have for learning or the arts or sports or life in general.

Anxiety is the greatest killer of love and passion since it completely drains a person and will sooner or later make them numb.


So maybe there is a lesson in this. If you realize that you are experiencing this amount of panic and anxiety, then you need to step back so you don’t lose you passion and love of life.

Characters Demanding Life

Writers write because they cannot allow the characters that inhabit them to suffocate them. These characters want to get out to breathe fresh air and partake of the wine of friendship; were they to remain locked in, they would forcibly break down the walls, it is they who force the writer to tell their stories. - Elie Wiesel

It's been months since I have written for leisure and I can't stand that fact. There has been a part of me that promised myself to always be able to write. Writing has always been a part of me and helps me be able to focus on other parts of my life since it causes me to self-evaluate in ways that I cannot fully explain. It's a very cathartic process for me and I just love it.

So why choose a quote about characters after months of not writing?

Well, it is simple to be very honest. I have characters who are finally formed who are ready to have their story written. I have a story that I have been working on for years. When I say years I really mean years. I don't think I can really tell you how this is not an exaggeration, but is a statement of truth.

I have a story that I have been working on since I was 15 years old. I originally started this story as a way for me to calm down (remember, writing or telling stories is a way for me to calm my mind to be able to focus). I used to think about this story at night and it would put me to sleep. I used it as a type of bed time story for myself because I would focus on too many things before I would fall asleep and by telling myself this story would ease my mind.

I actually started writing this story when I was 16 and from that point I have dabbled in it. The central heart of the story has not changed, but the characters have changed. I have really been able to get to know these characters from the inside out. I know how each character would react, whether they would eat a certain type of food to understanding their heart. There has actually been a section of my story that I have not written, because I couldn't do it. Not that I was incapable of writing it, but for the simple fact I did not want to say goodbye to the character.

As a writer, sometimes you believe you know exactly where the story is going and to a certain point, you do. I have known how this story ends when I was 15. I have never told anyone how it ends, but since I have been working on it for close to a decade, there have been times of doubt about the ending. This is due to the fact that the characters have developed to a point that I originally did not plan. It's honestly brilliant when you are writing something and a character does something you did not plan. It's like when you are writing you are not 100% in control because you are letting the characters think for themselves.

So how does this exactly relate to this quote? I have not written in months and I have characters who want their stories to be told. There are times I literally feel like I am going to burst because they are demanding their stories. This quote reminds me of a past post I did about Maya Angelou's quote stating "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." 

There is a story that I have and has been in my mind for almost a decade and I know what each of the characters well enough that it is time to finish the story. It's a little bittersweet to have this story to be almost finished, but these characters refuse to be silent and deserve to have their stories told.

What's in a Quote

Maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we're quoting. ~ John Green

 Ironic, isn't it? A quote about quotes for Quote Monday. I find it a bit funny, but I also find it very revealing. Think about it, I write or try to write about a quote every single Monday (I said I try). The quotes that I choose are my favorite quotes that I am able to find. It takes me a while to find a quote to write about. Seriously, it takes me at least 30 minutes to find a quote that I feel like I can write about and find some type of meanings.

For example, with the quote that I am writing about today, 4 pages in to a search that I did. There were at least 25 quotes on a page. I scanned through at least a total of 100 quotes and this is the one I chose to write about. Choosing a quote that I want to feature on my blog is really hard, since I want something that will inspire me.

I don't always go into detail about the people I'm quoting or the piece of literature that I quote, but I try to squeeze out some type of meaning to share with whomever reads this blog. It's giving insights on how I view the world and my need to share my thoughts with people. Quotes help focus my stream of thoughts since I want to speak specifically on what I'm quoting or at least carry on a constant theme.

Your favorite quotes give great insight to the type of person you are. That's whey we have that quotes section on Facebook, it gives us a better idea of who we are.

So I have to agree with John Green; the quotes that we love say more about us then the people we are quoting.

Let's Have a Chat

I am sure you have seen this commercial at some point this summer. If you haven't seen it, watch the above video, because the next couple of Saturdays is going to be spring boarding off of this concept.

"Like A Girl"...

This  phrase has been on my mind since the first time I saw this commercial and have been debating on whether or not to write something about it. To be honest, I actually wasn't going to be writing about, until I went to this church carnival this past Sunday where a guy in his 30s harmlessly asked a little boy if he threw like his mom or his dad (the guy was in a dunk tank). What this 30 something year old guy wasn't deliberately meaning to be insulting women, but really he was implying that this little boy's mom can't throw and throws "like a girl." After hearing this, I became annoyed by this phrase.

Before I go on, I want to say that I am not being hypersensitive on this subject, which me even having to say this is utterly ridiculous, but I know there may be someone who reads this and is thinking that I am being too sensitive with this and... uhm... what's the phrase I'm looking for... Oh, "like a girl." I also want to clarify as well, that I know that women are built differently than a man and cannot perform athletically in the same way. My point of this is not about athletic ability or how each gender is built, but about a concept.

So that led me to believe that I really need to cover this concept of "like a girl," which also led me to believe that I need to cover some other areas as well.

Now if you have followed my blog, you know I label myself as a feminist. As I mentioned a feminist is someone who fights for equal rights for all sexes. That's the definition, yet people consider this such a negative label, which is no surprise that that use  of "like a girl" can be perceived by some as an insult.

 There is nothing wrong with standing up for your rights, having a voice, leading and bringing on change. Women have the rights to do anything a man can do. That's what I believe and I will have specifics in upcoming weeks.

If you couldn't tell, I am planning on writing a series on this, because I find it interesting how polarizing feminism is, especially how it is polarizing between women (another area I will be discussing in the next couple of weeks).

 Here's a tentative layout of what I will be doing the next number of Saturdays:

I plan on covering the idea of women in leadership, polarizing effects of feminism between women, perceptions that women often have (and how we continue to have these stereotypes stay alive), and a couple more that I have been debating whether I will write or not. I am not sure the exact order and there may be some weeks that have gaps, since I do want to ask some people I know what they think.

And yes, I will be trying to find people who have different perspectives on this subject manner than I do. I was speaking to a good friend of mine about this topic and she is absolutely correct that I can easily  skew this blog series to make one side look horrible and the other side look wonderful. I do not want to do this and hope to have equal representation on each side.

So that's all I have for this week.

What We Deserve: Love

We accept the love we think we deserve. ~ Stephen Chbosky Perks of Being A Wallflower

When I first heard this quote, I thought it was perfect. I thought it captured this side that each person has that is so vulnerable and fearful. It's perfect.

From the experience that I do have in life, I think people find it hard to be loved. To be completely honest, I believe it is easier to love others than to accept the love that others give us. It's this weird state of mind that we get in that we are not worthy enough of love. When you think deeply about it, it's kind of sad.

I don't know when exactly in life this feeling of inadequacy overtakes us, but we have all gone through it. The time that I believe it especially hits us the most is in our teen years.

I had the great opportunity to work as an interim youth minister with two others for seven months. During that time I got to work with a "Just for Girls" class where we talked about female issues and one of the things that I wish we talked more about was the fact that they are loved and they deserve love. I'm not meaning in a relationship, but the type of love that shows that there is someone who would miss them if they were gone. We did talk about it and stressed that there are people who love them, but I don't feel like we said it enough or did enough to prove it. I still see those girls in church and I see the pain beneath the smile and I wish there was a way for me to tell them that they deserve love.

There was this time when I worked as a camp counselor at this church camp when I was in high school when I got to lead a group of junior high girls. I remember this one night during the beginning of the week, because this girl admitted to me that she felt like she didn't deserve love. This 13 year old girl told her 17 year old counselor that she didn't feel like she deserved love. My heart completely broke for her, because I  wanted her to feel that she was accepted and that people cared for her. I remember the last night of camp and her coming up to me and thanking me for the week. She thanked me because she had a fun time at camp and felt accepted. 

Why don't we accept love? Is it because we have a hard time giving it to others? Or is it because we don't feel worthy enough to receive it?

I think it is different for each of us, but the underlying idea of accepting love we think we deserve is the same. 

Everyone deserves love. Maybe this mindset that I have is influenced by my faith, but everyone deserves love. It may be difficult to share it, but we really need to learn to accept love. When we can begin to love ourselves, then it can be easier to accept the love from others and then give love.

Show That We Care

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
Nothing is going to get better. It's not. ~ Dr. Seuss The Lorax

 I loved reading The Lorax when I was younger, in fact I loved reading all of Dr. Seuss' works. It's only when I was older and was forced to look at the deeper meaning of his work when I was in high school for a honors English project.

As much as I could go into the deeper meaning with this particular story by Dr. Seuss, I'm just going to be focusing on the quote from the book.

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
Nothing is going to get better. It's not. ~ Dr. Seuss The Lorax

I'm a part of a generation that has been taught to care about issues and to fight. Look at the literature that we have grown up on and that we are currently reading (Harry Potter, The Hunger Games,  The Giver, Divergent series, etc.). We have been surrounded and influenced by refusing to stay numb on subjects and choose to fight for the rights of others.

We have seen too many people who not care enough and the worst part is, when people refer to how future generations have to deal with the crap that they did, well, it's here. We are now having to deal with issues that have been specifically pushed aside and we are tired of having all these issues hidden.

This quote is relevant for every generation, since nothing will get better if we don't care. We cannot reach full equality, better health care, a cleaner environment and peace if we don't care. 

I don't think it is asking too much for people to start caring about the issues of the day. If we show that we care, then we can make the world a better place.

Perception of Me

A number of weeks ago I was eating lunch while my mom and my aunt (her sister) were talking. They were discussing a family trait of being nervous and overly cautious about life. I sat quietly listening to them as they discussed how all of their siblings have this trait and then my mom made a comment that made me think. It roughly went like this:

I always am nervous about taking that next step, but Kelley has never been like that. She has always been my fearless child who looks at a problem and faces it head on.

My reaction was silence, but in my head I had to calm myself down as not to vomit at the idea that I'm fearless.

After my aunt left, I approached my mom and asked her why she thought I was fearless and could handle things. Her response was roughly this:

You just view life in a different way. You don't let life get you down and you see the good in all situations. You've never let any stumbling block hold you back and you continue on.

 Once again, my reaction was silence.

I find it interesting to actually hear the perceptions that people have of me. It's like this weird thing I like to know, since I find it as a tool to grow (I know, I'm an odd one, but if you haven't figured that out by now then that's just odd). But I find it especially interesting to hear what my parents think of me and in those true honest moments of conversation, that's where you can find out.

My mom views me as fearless with taking the next steps of life...
           She views me as fearless...
                   I definitely don't view myself as fearless.

I just find this perception of me, even though it's a good perception, as hard to imagine. Maybe it is because I deal with my fears internally every single day. I show so much fear when a big thunderstorm comes rolling in, I can't handle animals flying by my head without ducking and slightly freaking out, sometimes when I feel so much pressure from people I have to control myself from causing myself to having a panic attack, and sometimes the fear of me being so unqualified for anything in life encroaches my mind (this one I have had the most success of conquering).

And even though I deal with this all on a daily basis, she views me as being dauntless.

This perception of me bothered me (I know, I'm odd for letting a good perception bother me), because I felt like I didn't deserve it. I know I have faced some challenges in my life like having some hearing loss (I was born with not being able to hear certain tones. It doesn't bother me, since I'm used to it) and having to be in speech therapy since before entering into school throughout elementary school and part of middle school (there are still times I have difficulty pronouncing some words and I try my hardest to avoid certain words so people don't pick up on it). I don't think of handling this bravely, because I just lived. I wanted to do theatre and take vocal lessons when I was in high school, it didn't occur to me that it was interesting especially since I spent so long in speech therapy when I was little. I just worked hard to not have it noticeable. And I have faced some other things in life that I do not want to go into detail with, but I don't view having been through times of my life as brave.

Maybe the other part that bothers me about this is that my name actually means brave. I'm one of those people who enjoy etymology and seeing if you match up with your name (I find you typically do).  I think the best explanation of what I am trying to say can be summed up by a poem by one of my favorite modern day poets:

My knees still buckle every time I get on a stage. My self-confidence can be measured out in teaspoons mixed into my poetry, and it still always tastes funny in my mouth. ~ Sarah Kay

So if you tell me I can do the impossible, I'll probably laugh at you. I don't know if I can change the world yet, because I don't know that about it -- and I don't know that much about reincarnation either, but if you make me laugh hard enough, sometimes I forget what century I'm in. This isn't my first time here. This isn't my last time here. These aren't the last words I'll share. But just in case, I'm trying my hardest to get it right this time around. ~ Sarah Kay

Mended Damages

Since I was young I have always known this: Life damages us, everyone. We can't escape that damage. But now,  I am also learning this: We can be mended, We mend each other. ~ Allegiant Veronica Roth

The majority of the time, I try to avoid singular quotes from books. I do this because it is always easy to skew a small passage into your own perspective, but this quote, this quote is different. This quote is a major theme in the third novel in the Divergent series by Veronica Roth. Now I will not be going into too much detail about how this is incorporated in the novel, but on the quote as a singular piece.

Since I was young I have always known this: Life damages us, everyone. We can't escape that damage. But now,  I am also learning this: We can be mended, We mend each other. ~ Allegiant Veronica Roth

It would be foolish to think that we can enter into adulthood with absolutely no damage to ourselves, whether it is a physical damage, emotional damage, spiritual damage, etc. I don't think I have met a single person whom I have been able to speak with in depth who has not been damaged in some way shape or form. Being damaged is just part of life.

And to be honest, sometimes the parts that are the most damaged can become the most beautiful things.

See, it is easy to be able to only look at the negative and only seeing the bleakness of your past. Staying in this mindset too long can be suffocating and can cause a person to lose so much hope. But where the real lesson comes to play is the simple concept of being able to be mended.

Choosing to mend is one of the hardest lessons to learn and to accept in my opinion. It's admitting a part of your life has been hurt or having to come to terms with the pain. Mending is uncomfortable, it hurts and causes you to face reality in ways that seems excruciating. But this mending leads to a healed state.

For example, last Fall I was going through a rough patch in my spiritual life. I had not been a part of a Bible Study for over a year at that point and felt like I really didn't have anything to give to these kids that I was leading. I actually shared that with the two guys I was working with at the time and one of them stopped me after our meeting and invited to this Bible Study. To say that this Bible Study changed my life would not be expressing how much it helped me. There was a point in time when I was hurting so much from what was happening to my parents at the church and didn't realize how much I was hurting, that it came out during our study one night. I wept. I was emotionally and spiritually hurting in ways that I could not explain. I was damaged, but since I broke down that night and wept, the mending started happening. Now I can see the people who hurt my parents and not think ill of them, but if it wasn't for that Bible Study or my friend inviting me to it, then I would not have been able to mend.

We have all been damaged in some way, but it is our choice whether we let others help us mend. Life is hard and can hurt in indescribable ways, but even then, we can be mended.

From Your Perspective

 I will admit, that I have been frustrated recently with my faith, since I feel like I'm not doing anything. I haven't found a church yet to get involved with and I feel like I have not been serving in the way that I want to. I thought that I was growing in my faith, but I feel like it has come to this haltering stop, which is completely frustrating for me. But recently, this one song started getting stuck in my head and I couldn't get it out of my head. Then this past Friday it was playing on the radio and the words finally sunk in.

So here I stand, here stand on what you build

You are surrounding me and the walls will never, ever ever come down
You build me up like a city of gold
The battles rage but I’m standing tall
You formed my heart like an empire
the wind and rain can’t stop this fire
If only I could see it from your perspective
The beauty and the grace of your architecture

I don't know how to properly describe the thoughts that hit me after listening to this song. Actually, I do know how to describe this feeling by quoting John Wesley, "I felt my heart strangely warmed."

The idea that I am built up "...like a city of gold..." and no matter how much wind and how much rain, the fire of my soul will never go out! Sometimes these simple reminders get you back on track and will help you see from a different perspective.

See, I have been church hopping still and like I mentioned in my post about church hopping, I just don't like it. I feel like I'm this misplaced person roaming around and trying to find a place to call home, but I haven't found it. It's disheartening and causes me a lot of frustration. It's hard to find a community, which is really messed up if you think about it (since it's the church), but that will be for another post.

Back on point though, it's hard to go into a church and have people give you this face value welcome. I've met nice people, but not really anyone who wanted to get to know me. Nice people are not going to keep me coming back. Most of the pastors I've heard are good, but I don't believe that the church should only function around the pastor. The congregation needs to set the tone of what the church stands for and the focus should be around Jesus.

 

Maybe this is just my perspective, but I just want to worship in a place where people care about me and me caring about them. I want to fellowship with people and serve together and do what Christ called us to do. I don't care if the music is the most cutting edge or if the church has 100 people or 10,000. I just want a to find a community with authentic people.

Feeling this disappointment of churches that I've gone to, this song hit me. No matter the battle that is happening inside me, I'm standing tall; no matter how much the storm may come to put out the fire, I will still be set ablaze. It's choosing to not see a church from your perspective, which is what I did at one church and one Sunday I went and it was drastically changed when I wasn't viewing from my perspective and that was the telltale sign that I would not fit at the church. 

I was originally looking for a church that was comfortable, which many of these churches were comfortable and I could have easily walked in during service and left afterwards and "had my church for the week" type of attitude, but I can't do that. Having faith should not be comfortable, but should challenge you. 

So as I continue church hopping, I choose to see from a different perspective. I know I will still be frustrated from time to time and I know that I will not be finding community right away, but this new perspective will give me a peace that I could not give to myself.

Not Merely to Survive, but to Live

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style” -Maya Angelou

I absolutely love this quote and not just from the simple fact that Maya Angelou has impacted me in ways I cannot describe, but for the truth that it says.

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style” -Maya Angelou

Far too often in my life, I meet people who are merely trying to survive. They are extending themselves to only the points on which they feel comfortable and living a passive life. It is the ease of getting through life and to be honest, it sounds dreadfully boring.

I want to live a life where I am constantly thriving to better myself, a life where I can be full of passion and be able to show this great compassion to those around me; a life where I can laugh and be joyful and to live a life with some flair! That is a life to be able to strive for.

So why do we choose to keep to the mundane? Why are we so reluctant to be able to strive to have a passionate life; a life worth living?

There are a numerous reasons in my opinion, but one that I believe encompasses them all: the fear of change.

From what I can tell from my observation of listening to people who are older then myself, the most interesting and fullfilling lives are the ones that have had many changes in them. Now some of these changes are external, but many of them are internal.

To be able to thrive, I highly believe that there has to be some type of struggle. Look at any piece of literature or movie and the characters have to go through some type of struggle to be able to grow and reach the ending. We as people are the exact same way.

Maybe that is why I find this quote so pertinent, because Maya Angelou herself faced many trials in her life. It would have been completely understandable if she would have timidly hid in a corner, but she didn't. In fact, she lived a life where she thrived in the good and bad times. She inspired many with the trials she went through by not dwelling in the negative and choosing to live a life worth living.

The fear of change or the struggle we will face will make life taste so much sweeter. Our passions will become stronger; we will care for each other stronger; we will be able to laugh harder; and we will be able to walk with an air about us, because we will be able to thrive to have the life worth living.

So, are you thriving in life? Are you living life with some passion, compassion, humor, and style? If not, then what's holding you back?

Fulfilling Books

Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book.”~ John Green, The Fault In Our Stars

This quote from John Green's book is the perfect quote that relates to his book, The Fault in Our Stars.

I will admit, I love this book. I read it a year ago in a short period of time and passed the book along to many of my friends since finishing it. It is something about this book that convinced me to pass it along and tell everyone about it. It's like if I passed the book to one more person, maybe, just maybe a person will be able to appreciate life and have passion.

This book also tells the story that is not often told, a teen who is dealing with cancer. The Young Adult selection that I can think of does not cover this topic and thought it talked about the struggle, the coping and the overall life of the characters in this truly authentic way. It was moving and I found myself emotionally drawn to these characters and wanted the best for them.

I know I have not dived too deep into the quote, because well, I believe this one speaks for itself. This book is a good read and I highly recommend it. 

Also, the movie comes out this Friday and I am very excited.

Writing Playlist

As I have mentioned before, I enjoy writing. It is something that I frequently find myself doing and whenever I am stuck on something, the first thing I do is create a story of how to get out of a scenario and that leads me to finding a solution. It's just the weird way my mind processes information. It has always been like that, but I have been able to to accept this fact as I have become older.

Any way, when I write I have to listen to music. Music as a whole inspires me and just motivates me. So, to introduce you to what helps me write, I have decided to actually share the playlist that has pretty much been the same since 2010.

Writing Playlist

1. Hook-Flight to Neverland ~ John Williams
2. Stepmom- The Days Between ~ John Williams
3. In Noctem ~ Nicholas Hooper
4. Ginny ~ Nicholas Hooper
5. Dumbledore's Speech ~ Nicholas Hooper
6. Living Death ~ Nicholas Hooper
7. Into the Pensieve ~ Nicholas Hooper
8. Harry & Hermoine ~ Nicholas Hooper
9. A Window to the Past ~ John Williams
10. Evenstar ~ Howard Shore & Fran Walsh
11. The White Rider ~ Howard Shore & Fran Walsh
12. Samwise The Brave ~ Howard Shore & Fran Walsh
13. Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) ~ Vitamin String Quartet
14. Beautiful Day ~ Vitamin String Quartet
15. Breakaway ~ Vitamin String Quartet
16. Bless the Broken Road ~ Vitamin String Quartet
17. Lose Yourself ~ Vitamin String Quartet
18. Campfire ~ Alan Menken
19. The Tear Heals ~ Alan Menken
20. Save the Last Dance ~ Vitamin String Quartet
21. Smooth Criminal ~ 2CELLOS (Sulic & Hauser)
22. Smells Like Teen Spirit ~ 2CELLOS (Sulic & Hauser)
23. One More Thing ~ Richard Gibbs
24. Earth ~ Hans Zimmer & Lisa Gerrard
25. Strength And Honor ~ Hans Zimmer & Lisa Gerrard
26. Barbarian Horde ~ Hans Zimmer & Lisa Gerrard
27. Elysium ~ Hans Zimmer & Lisa Gerrard
28. Honor Him ~ Hans Zimmer & Lisa Gerrard
29. Now We Are Free ~ Hans Zimmer & Lisa Gerrard

So that is the list that I most consistently listen to when I write. I have actually started listening to this same list when I work at home and have found great success from doing so, since there is a wide variety that can fit into any mood you are in and any type of work style. What's your favorite music to listen to when you work?

As a side note: I also listen a lot of Lindsey Stirling when I work. You should check her out!

 

To the Drawing Board

This is not going to be the typical Business Wednesday post. I have who knows how many drafts of posts for this day and to be completely honest, they all are horrible. Seriously, they are not well thought through and lack substance.

It has been bothering me for a bit of time that I have not been able to keep consistent on the Wednesday posts, so I am going to be honest with you. I am going back to the drawing board with Business Wednesdays. In other words, I have nothing good to say. I understand that I could very easily bloviate, but I want to be able to write with substance, especially on Wednesday posts.

What I am saying is that I will officially be taking time off of writing Wednesday posts for a while till I come up with something of substance. I will still be posting on Monday and Saturday, so it's not like I am taking a complete hiatus, just from one day. I will be working on some potential ideas for Wednesday, but it will be a bit of time before I post one.

I will say that if there is some idea that you would want me to write about on the topic of business, I will gladly take suggestions! So feel free to message me, write a comment, send me a tweet, whatever floats your boat with sending a message and I will see what I can do.

A Different Point of View

I have been mulling over what quote to use for today's post. I have searched all over the internet, tried to get inspiration from the movies that I watched over the weekend (Lee Daniel's The Butler and 12 Years a Slave) and even tried to get inspiration over the fact that this post falls on a national holiday, but none of it was working. I was planning on writing about freedom and I didn't really have a defined lead until I found the quote below.

I tell my students, 'When you get these jobs that you have been so brilliantly trained for, just remember that your real job is that if you are free, you need to free somebody else. If you have some power, then your job is to empower somebody else. This is not just a grab-bag candy game.” Toni Morrison

 Toni Morrison is an author and a professor, which explains why she mentions her students. In 1993 she won the Nobel Prize in Literature because she gave life to "...an essential aspect of American reality."

We as American citizens love the idea of freedom. We plaster it on anything that we can and at the same time, disregard the importance of it. I believe we take freedom for granted and especially with some people my age, don't take our freedom and rights seriously. 

Maybe this is just me having been influenced by some great people and the literature, but I believe we must treasure all the freedom we have and be willing to give freedom to others. That's part of the reason I watched The Butler and 12 Years a Slave so I would be reminded about the times when people took advantage of freedom and wouldn't allow others to have it. Yes it is important to remember all the military men who serve, but what about those who served here who fought for the rights in our own country?

I can think of people like Frederick Douglass, Sojourner Truth, Francis Willard, Cady Stanton, Martin Luther King Jr., Maya Angelou, Gloria Steinem, Dorothy Pitman Hughes, Cesar Chavez and so many more who fought for the rights for different people. Do we just not want to honor these people as well, because they are some of the reason that we have some of the rights and equal rights?

I tell my students, 'When you get these jobs that you have been so brilliantly trained for, just remember that your real job is that if you are free, you need to free somebody else. If you have some power, then your job is to empower somebody else. This is not just a grab-bag candy game.” Toni Morrison

"If you have some power, then your job is to empower somebody else." 

I don't care if you agree with all the people that I listed above or if you think that some of them are extremists, they had some power and fought for people's rights. It is always easy to just look at a holiday like Memorial Day and give credit to military men, which they do deserve credit, but there are the people on the home front who deserve credit too.

It is our responsibility to empower others to be able to have equal freedoms. We should not be satisfied with inequality, but fight for rights for all people. That means not being complacent with where we are because we are still off from living in a equal society. Morrison said it best when she said "...that [our] real job is that if [we] are free, [we] need to free somebody else."

Let us remember that on this Memorial Day. Remember those who have both fought in wars for our freedom, but also remember all those we fought, protested and enacted laws that made sure that we are free.

My Flying Nemesis

Okay, the title may be a bit overly dramatic, but it's the only way I can describe what is to come in this post.

I guess it would be helpful to better define the creature that are the bane of my existence. It's mostly anything that has wings. More specifically birds and butterflies.

Yes, birds and butterflies are my enemies? Why? They honestly terrify me.

I know at this point you are questioning what caused these irrational fear of these two creatures that most people find enjoyment in?

I've thought long and hard to try to figure out why I irrationally fear ( or maybe it is more so to justify my fear) of birds and butterflies. So like every other type of blog I write, I am going to list out/share some anecdotes of on how this fear began.

Birds

• I can't ever remember liking birds
• Anecdote: When I was in Jr. High/Freshman in High school I was a part of cross country. Since I lived in an area that was flat, to get hill training we went to this man-made reservoir that had a path around the top. On the side of the hills, actually all parts of the reservoir was geese territory. Have you ever been chased and hissed at by a group of geese? Not a fun experience and unfortunately for my case, this happened a handful of times.  I was never bitten by one, but it did make me run fairly fast. So if you are ever with me and there are geese around, I will more than likely become very quiet, keep a close watch at them to make sure they don't attack. Seriously though, I freak out when I see geese. I'm sure to others this is a hysterical sight.
• Also, when I see shadows of birds up above me, I duck and cover, because I believe every bird is going to go all kamikaze on me.
•  There are other stories, but I think the goose story makes the me sound neurotic enough.

Butterflies 
  Before I explain this, I just want to preface by saying that this is a completely irrational fear. I get that, I do. I've also tried to get over it, but that proves a failure especially with my most recent experience with a butterfly. (Just so you know, as I am writing this I am laughing at myself, because I realize how stupid this fear is, but I honestly can't help it).

• I don't like things flying by my head. Creatures flying by my head is just very unsettling to me and it's also something about the color of the wings. I understand that people find the wings very pretty, but I really don't prefer them at all.
• I guess this fear escalated when my parents wanted to go through this botanical garden. I was in junior high and was never surrounded by butterflies so I never knew the effect that they had on me. Well, that's because I was never forced to be in a greenhouse full of butterflies. I started freaking out and ducking behind my brother. Of course having the loving family I have, they mercilessly made fun of me and my new found fear. On that day, I swore that I would never go in one of those again.
• Once again, when I was in high school, I went into one of the greenhouse butterfly exhibits. I was not to happy at the suggestion, but begrudgingly went again. My reaction was the same. I freaked out.
•  Now I thought that with me getting older that I would be able to get over this fear., but I was wrong. So I was driving home by myself a couple of weeks ago on a back road when it happened. It was a really nice day and I was in a really good mood. Then, all of a sudden, this butterfly gets stuck in my windshield wiper. I completely start freaking out even though I know it is outside of my car. I am frantically swearing and reaching for my switch to start my windshield wipers to get the butterfly off my car. Now this all happened in less than a minute. After my moment of freaking out, I stopped myself  and realized how stupid my fear is. Good that I noticed my fear, but bad that I am still freaking out.

So at the end of this, I have two super irrational fears that I honestly cannot control how I react to them. I have plenty of other stories of how I have been scared by birds and butterflies, but I would prefer to keep some of my neurosis hidden.