To my Teachers

This past weekend I have graduated from my University. I do consider this a big thing, even if I am just one of the many in my family that has a college degree. The reason though I am writing about this is the fact that one of my coworkers at the retail store I work at, who also happens to be a teacher, said something to me that made me realize so much. She turned to me and said, "Congratulations Kelley. No one can take this accomplishment from you."

To be honest, that was one of my favorite congratulations I have ever had, because she understands.
And here's why:

This post is dedicated to the teachers that have inspired me through my life. The sad thing about this post is that probably none of them will read this post or know how much their lessons meant to me.

It all started when I was in second grade and had a wonderful teacher. I was a new student in a new school in a new town, but she was so welcoming. My second grade teacher was like the ones you would see in the movies. The best example I can honestly give is that she had the same temperament as Miss Honey from Matilda. She saw the best in all students and encouraged everyone that they were both creative and smart.

Skipping a few years to junior high, not that I didn't have any good teachers during the time in between but this post is focusing on the ones who had the most influence on me, to my English class. I had always known I had loved reading and digging deeper into books, but I didn't know how much I loved writing until that class. I will admit, at the time I thought keeping a daily journal was honestly annoying, but the more I wrote, the more understanding I had for myself. I also started writing down stories and coming up with different ideas. The best part of being "forced" to write is how I started reflecting on what I was doing in life. My 7th grade English teacher taught us to laugh with books and to form opinions that weren't our parents' opinions. She let us think outside of the box and tried to keep us well-rounded. I honestly can't tell you what books I read in that class or what papers I wrote, because it has been quite a few years since I was 13, but I can tell you that without her encouraging me to write and express myself, I probably wouldn't be writing this blog.

Skipping a few years again to an English teacher I had in high school. I was fortunately able to have her during my sophomore and senior years and I wish I could have her as a professor. I look back on all the random (or what I thought at the time was random, but so inherently deep) projects about King Arther and Greek Mythology and so many other key literary items that if it wasn't for these random projects, I don't think I would enjoy literature as much. She also made us do this project our senior year that was a type of autobiography of our lives. During that point in my life I was so theatre driven and wanted to pursue only that and written in the margins of my life were comments encouraging me to keep going. I don't know if I will ever write a play, but if I do, she will be getting the first ticket since she taught me so much and I was at an age where I couldn't appreciate all the knowledge she wanted to share with us.

Now to my freshman year of college. I had an English professor who totally forced me out of my comfort zone. At that point that I had her, I had already changed my major to marketing and was taking this course just in case I wanted to continue to pursue a degree in English. I ended up continuing my degree in marketing, but her class taught me how to write from the soul. If you look back in the archives of this blog, I had written about a paper that I wrote for her class. The paper was about my grandfather who had died during my senior year. I guess I didn't realize how bitter I was about his passing until I had a meeting with this professor who told me it was okay to cry. Plus now, after my three years of being a business major, I understand the true meaning of Herman Melville's Bartleby, the Scrivener. So thank you for requiring me to read that short story that I was able to relate to my entire last semester. I highly recommend reading that short story!

This is the last teacher I will be writing about. This professor has helped me out in so many ways and I have so much respect for him. My professor for Integrated Marketing Communications and Creative Lab taught me so much about marketing and how it shouldn't have limits; that it shouldn't be so black and white; that it is creative. One thing that I loved about his class is that if you came up with this super crazy idea and showed it to him, he would say that we needed to be prepared to defend it. He also had a favorite question that I forever will cling to, which is the question of "why?" He specifically did this the most during IMC, because we had to create a marketing plan. He never truly questioned my group with what we were doing, but would ask us why we were doing something and it goes back to the point of being able to defend our idea. He didn't want us to simply do something, he wanted us to have an idea of backing it up. The best part about this though, is that he never made you feel stupid. He challenged you, but never put down your intelligence. I remember a time during this past semester when another professor screamed at the work my group turned in calling it horrible work and putting myself and my group down. I will admit that I did cry, but he (IMC and creative lab professor) was there saying that it probably wasn't as bad as we were led on to believe and that we need to move forward. He said that our group now knows what we need to do and that he believed we could do it.

There are many teachers and professors that I have had that were excellent. The ones mentioned are the ones that come to my mind as the ones who truly helped me along the way.
Like I said before, I know none of these people will read this blog post, but I'm putting this out there to show that I am appreciative of them. It is the best way for me to pay homage to them. Because unlike so many other career paths, and quoting from Mr. Mali, they make a damn difference.

Video Games lead to Deep Thoughts

So last night I refused to write my final paper for one of my classes and had just finished watching my Tuesday night shows (I love New Girl and The Mindy Project. Two AWESOME shows!!!) and had some time to kill before watching Letterman, so I did what every soon to be graduate does, I chose to do the most non-adult thing to do: Play Video Games.

I hooked up my old PS2, yep kicking it old school, and brought out a game I think I have beaten 4 or 5 times already (A proud accomplishment on my nerd card) and continued on a path for beating the game again. I'm sure you are wondering what game I was playing, so I'll tell you.

Yep, I play Quidditch World Cup in my free time on my PS2. I honestly can't tell you how long I have had this game, but I just keep going back to it, because who doesn't want to pretend that they are in the world of Harry Potter and play Quidditch.(BTW, I'm currently playing as the French National Team and I love the brooms they ride on.)

Now, you are probably wondering why I'm blogging about this (seriously, if you read this blog and haven't figured out that I am one of the most random bloggers ever and have no rhyme or reason for my blogs and are thinking that I won't explain why I'm blogging this, then you are the crazy one. I always explain my random thoughts!)
So anyway, it got me thinking how much I loved Harry Potter and the world and community it created. There are so many people who love the books and movies and it seriously took up so much of my childhood.
For example, I read the first Harry Potter book when I was in 4th grade because my oldest brother gave me his copy of the book after he finished reading it. I fell in love with the book and the series and then had long discussions with friends about details in the books and pretending we were a part of the books (I think the majority of the people in my generation did this and if you say you didn't then I'm calling BS!!!).
I even remember staying up really late to go and pick up Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix with my best friend. I still have the picture hanging in my room with she and I holding our newly purchased books with huge beaming smiles (and still to this day we still bring up the story of how we were in the front of the line and tried to stay up late reading the book).  That was the first time I ever stood in line to get the newest thing that was highly anticipated and actually thinking about it, that was the last time (Now I just pre-order things that I want to just avoid the lines. I kind of miss that excite of standing in line honestly).

Anyway, I have read and watched many blogs/vlogs about how Harry Potter changed a generation and I think it did. I really think it helped create a form of creativity that many of us hold on to and struggle with when you are dealing with people who try to stifle it. This creativity lead to fanfiction and hours of discussing everything Harry Potter and trying to get into Rowling's head.

BUT, what I appreciate the most in the Harry Potter series is the hope that it contains. I mean, look at the entire books series, it contains so much hope that good will prevails and that friendship will forever champion over the evil things in this world. Call me a fool, but I believe in this and believe that people should have hope.

So while I play my Quidditch game, I think of everything that Harry Potter brought to my life. I think of how it brought me super close to friends; how it taught me love reading; how it taught me to never doubt the magic in myself or in others; how it taught me to find that glimmer of hope even in the darker times and how it taught me that nothing is impossible. That's why I believe so many people are joining organizations like The Harry Potter Alliance, which follows the example of Dumbledore’s Army and fights for social justice. I personally subscribe to their email alerts and love to follow what they are doing. You know a book impacts people so much that they take the pact so seriously that they make an organization about it to fight things with love (Which is a huge thing in the series. Do I have to remind you of Lily's sacrifice?).

So I may be a soon to be graduate who plays a Quidditch video game, but I'm playing it because it reminds of all the great lessons related to one of my favorite books series that taught me so much about life.

In the footsteps of Wilberforce

For all my life I looked to people who I believed changed the world. I always dreamed of being a part of these groups of people when I grew up and now that I'm an adult, I've wondered how much have I actually learned from them.

One person who I really look up to and consider an inspirational person in my life is William Wilberforce. If this name does not sound familiar then I highly recommend you researching him since he was a key person in the abolitionist movement in England (By the way, they ended slavery in 1807, which was way before we did in America).

So why am I mentioning this? Because for some odd reason I cannot get the call that John Wesley (the founder of the United Methodist Church) gave to Wilberforce. This call to action was the very last letter that John Wesley sent to anyone, which I think is pretty cool because of the significance of it.

Balam, February 24, 1791
Dear Sir:
Unless the divine power has raised you us to be as Athanasius contra mundum, I see not how you can go through your glorious enterprise in opposing that execrable villainy which is the scandal of religion, of England, and of human nature. Unless God has raised you up for this very thing, you will be worn out by the opposition of men and devils. But if God be for you, who can be against you? Are all of them together stronger than God? O be not weary of well doing! Go on, in the name of God and in the power of his might, till even American slavery (the vilest that ever saw the sun) shall vanish away before it.
Reading this morning a tract wrote by a poor African, I was particularly struck by that circumstance that a man who has a black skin, being wronged or outraged by a white man, can have no redress; it being a "law" in our colonies that the oath of a black against a white goes for nothing. What villainy is this?
That he who has guided you from youth up may continue to strengthen you in this and all things, is the prayer of, dear sir,
Your affectionate servant, John Wesley

Wesley pretty much said that you will be going through troubling times and this job that you are dealt with is a difficult one, but you must fight it. They both saw injustice in the world and wanted to stop it.

This type of call to action really reminds me of Esther when her cousin Mordecai persuades her by saying that she may have been placed in the position she was in to help save her people. Also, if she didn't step up, then you might lose your entire family.

So going through difficult times and challenges may help you in the future? So going through situations where you thought you had all control in and then completely lost it and felt like you could not truly voice your opinion is a good thing? So seeing injustice is a good thing because it shows that you are not turning a blind eye?

All of these things are things that I deal with on a regular basis. So what am I doing that is causing a real impact? 

Random fact about me is that I consider myself a modern day abolitionist. If you are aren't familiar with this term, then it means that I am a person that supports movements like International Justice Mission and Love146 just to name a few. I, like Wilberforce, want to make sure that all people are free and are treated equally. I am not ignorant to the fact that there is modern day slavery. In fact there are more slaves today than there were when the slave trade that went on.

The last figure I saw said that there are about 27 million people (men, women and children) who are slaves today. This honestly kills me inside and one of the many reasons why I specifically follow and support Love146. They specifically focus on "The abolition of child trafficking and exploitation."

So once, you are probably wondering why I am bringing this up.

When I was 17 years old, I met a missionary who worked with these girls who saved from the sex trade and have forever been changed from the stories she told me. I thought the work she did was amazing, but I knew that the work like that was not best for me. I'm not necessarily the most compassionate person and really freeze up in situations that I don't know how to deal with, but I still want to make a difference, especially n this area.

Someone needs to fight this and not everyone is called to go to another country and actually be on the forefront of the action. There is also a need for people at home spreading the news that this is going on.

I used to be so passionate on this subject, telling everyone I could about this. I did not want anyone to not know about child trafficking, because I believe it is a scandal against human nature. No child should have their childhood taken from them from these villains.

So take a few minutes and watch this clip. Just Imagine what it is like to be one of those kids and imagine what we can do to stop this.

Creative Minds Don't Make Sense

I completely understand that I should be writing a paper and/or proofreading a friends paper for that same class. Yet, I really have absolutely no motivation to actually write this ( I will probably be writing it frantically tonight, but I at least have the research for it all done).

What I'm really thinking about is the future. I swear I have been so focused on school and had kind of an idea of what I wanted to do with everything that I swear I haven't actually taken the time I have needed to figure out what I have want to actually do with my life. For example, I don't know if I'm truly fit for some of these traditional marketing positions since my thought process is just so different.

The way that my mind processes situations are just done in a story. Literally, my thought process kind of looks like this:

Yep, if you remember your English classes then you should recall that this is a Plot Map. The only difficulty with having a mind thinking in this way is that you never have too many resolutions, since life is not like a novel.

But having this as my typical thought process, it makes me think kind of in a oddly creative way. For example, I ca just look at a person and can quickly create a back story for them (because who doesn't love back stories?).

This also causes me to understand really odd things that can be exceptionally weird, but it makes perfect sense. An actual example of this is the musical "Cats." I am one of the very few people who believes that it actually has a plot line and you just have to pay attention to be able to understand it. It's actually a great story and no, I will not explain it right now. I am a big enough of a nerd, I don't need to show my nerd card to you.

But if you have actually read this then you are probably wondering how this all correlates with about my future. I really believe that if you want to pursue something and it is not out there, then create it. I find it so ironic that the education is cutting the arts yet I swear people are expressing their creativity so much more or people are using the internet to actually express themselves. There is this whole online community creating webseries, blogs and so many other types of entertainment and education out on the web AND my education at the University is just turning the other cheek at this. They are refusing to embrace this changing medium and how different careers are crossing over.

I believe I will find something that will fit in this category, because lets face it, people want change and I'm seeing the movement. Creativity will always beat out these "standardized" test that absolutely tell us nothing other than people can memorize facts. There are people out there who want to change this and I believe that this is coming.

La Vie Bohème!

Total Panic

So I am about to graduate from the University that I go to. Next Friday I am free and then need to find a future career path... you know that thing that every college graduate is currently trying to do, find the starting career.

Anyway, today I experienced something I never really understood until now.

I have an older brother who has experienced panic attacks and never really sympathized with him on this issue. I can't really explain why, but something in my mind just never comprehended the feeling that someone was not able to handle that amount of stress even though many people deal with this.

Today I had a panic attack in between my strategic management class and my practicum. Through the entire day, I had felt shortness of breath, lightheaded and an increased heart rate. I felt like I was constantly rushed the entire day because of the amount of stress that I have been dealing with, especially with the unknown feeling of being able to pass my practicum or not. This feeling led me to one of the scariest moments that I had dealt with because I did not want to scare my friends, because let's be honest, that would stress me out even more and I did not need that.

Through my last class I was able to calm down enough and was fine by the time I walked to my car. The fact though is still clear that I have not been doing what I have needed to be doing this semester and I am not meaning with school work (I honestly think this semester, I have worked so much more on homework than I have ever done in my life. Like the semester cannot finish soon enough). I feel like I have honestly have neglected my faith.

I feel like such a horrible example for the youth group kids that I have been working with when creating this youth/young adult worship service. I have been saying how great God is and all and in all reality have been struggling with my faith so much. It's like I know that I should just give all my issues to God and he can totally handle them all, but nooo, I'm being such a total hypocrite.

 But getting back to today, I still wasn't feeling the best. Honestly, even though our meeting went well with our professor, I still felt really defeated. Like even though she promises that she will forget our big screw up from earlier in the semester, that it still won't matter because it feels like our work will never be good enough. It's this feeling that I have honestly been feeling but have been putting up such a huge front with my group by staying so positive, but in all actuality, been feeling like a kicked puppy who is shuddering in the corner.

So I'm feeling super defeat, even though I know we will pass and with a good meeting that will lead to some more work, and I just was ready to leave school and just get home to relax. So i walk to my car and just drive home. By the time I turn on the radio, this song plays:

"I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break
And know I'll never ever let you go"

I know there are many people who don't believe in God, but I do believe God uses moments like driving home in your car feeling so utterly defeated as a type of burning bush, well at least my burning bush.

I will completely admit that when this song got to the chorus, I completely broke down and was crying. This sounds so crazy, welcome to my Christian walk, but it made so much sense. Like everything that I was dealing with now was helping me. This panic attack, as horrible as it was, was all my fault because I refused to take a break by reading, exercising and just taking care of my body and mind. This song was the reminder of just how ridiculous I have been acting this semester. 

Yes, I understand that I have every right to be stressed, but the reason I am stressed is not justifiable. There is a verse (1 Corinthians 10:13) that I cling to all the time says:

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.

 I have a right to be angry; I have a right to be frustrated that I feel like I have learned nothing this semester; I have the right to be bitter and complain; but I also have the right to stay positive and react to life in a different way than what I have been doing.

I always claim that I hate it when Christians act like total hypocrites and don't rely on God and just put on their "church face," but that's exactly what I have been doing. I have turned into the thing that I have hated and claimed I would never turn into.

At the end of this, you are probably thinking that I am happy I dealt with this panic attack and to be honest with you (which why would I lie on this blog. That's a pretty stupid thing to do in my opinion and plus it's called speaking inferno, which really means the things I am afraid to say aloud. Because speaking my true opinions and thoughts is hell to me at times because I hate to feel vulnerable), I am happy I dealt with it.  I'm actually happy for a couple of reasons:

1. I was able to control it and not let it take over me. It didn't bring me down and I was able to calm myself down and distract myself from the issues I was dealing with.
2. It was unfortunately needed to be the wake up call for me change some of the things I have been doing with my life and I am not just speaking about my Christian walk either. I looked up things that can actually escalate panic attacks and found out caffeine can make it soooo much worse, which is good to know since I had a lot of caffeine these last couple of days.
3. It also was good, because now I can totally empathize with my brother and others. This was not a good feeling and is not something to view as a weakness and can happen to anyone.

Anyway, this blog post has been long enough if you even read through this entire thing. If you have read this entire thing then more power to you! Seriously, much respect to you.

But a better conclusion than "much respect to you," I learned a lot about myself today and I am really thankful that I had to deal with this. I know what I have been handed, I can totally handle it only if I just step back and give the steering wheel to God, which let's be honest is a super hard thing to do. I know I won't be perfect, because I screw up at least a couple times a day. But even though I screw up and will still fall to being under too much stress, I can at least remind myself of this day and feel like a part of my burden is being lifted off of my back.

Another Year Older

So yesterday was my birthday and am in my last year at the university I go to. It just seems so surreal. I even had a conversation with a friend discussing being another year older (she is a little over a month older than I). My big moment of wisdom came when I mentioned that we officially can't get away with really stupid acts. There is a standard now that people expect, especially as we are either going to grad school or trying to find a career in the business world.

Now this is not the time that I reminiscence about the time I have spent in school or the lessons that I have faced. No, this will not be that type of blog today.

No, today will be about the conversation that I had with my oldest brother, whom I have recently let enter back into my life, very slowly, but back into my life.

He wished me a happy birthday and then we were talking about my schooling then how I am being stupid. I think he still thinks that I am choosing the easy way out by living where I am living. I don't think he has any clue that I am still trying to find a community to truly fit in like I had at the college I had attended freshman year.

I do have friends, I lead a young adult group at church, I do a lot of volunteering and have many great experiences here, but I just don;t have that tight community. I still struggle with this from time to time when I feel like I have no one to hang out with. I have connected with some people, but unfortunately they go to school two hours away from where I live, which is a little sad for me, but I get over it.

But the area of argument is that I want to find a career around this area. I enjoyed visiting this area, but have come to love where I live. I have ideal places that I would love to settle in and I see so much potential in this area. I really want to be a part of the growth or maybe impact it to grow.

He unfortunately doesn't see the growth and believes I have too much ambition for this area. I understand that He doesn't want me to be stuck, but I have no desire of moving out the state. I never have wanted to leave this state and I wouldn't mind traveling, but not more than a week.

But the area that angers me the most is that he says that I am acting like him. I will say I completely disagree, he was stubborn in the way of burning bridges and not have a complete direction for his life. I have an idea of a direction, I never burn bridges (because you never know how you will need that connection in the future) and I always seek guidance from people I trust (parents, mentors, professors). I also do this thing called praying. I do pray that God will help me find this direction and has really caused me to completely fall in love with this part of the state and feel a responsibility to stay, because if all the ambitious people leave this area, then there will be no growth and revitalization.

My brother I think is trying to help me, but I think he is giving me advice that would have helped him, which does not necessarily help me. I am happy he is concerned, but I am sad he will not hear my reasoning of all the strong businesses here and the new start ups that have been around for 5+ years. I see hope and potential; he sees me being stuck and content. I see a challenge and I know by staying here, I will have a challenge that will never get boring and that's what I need. I don;t need an area that has been consistently good, I would get bored, but here, well I know I'm in the right place.

Growing Up

As I am reaching the impending end of my end of my third year of college, it has recently and most abruptly hit me that I must at some point grow up. This terrifying thought has crossed my mind with my constant search for an internship. As much fun as it is to be an adult and be allowed to do many activities when I would want to, the responsibility is what is the most terrifying of all realizations.
I remember being in high school and dreaming of the day when I would gain the freedom that I so desired. Back then I also wanted to be a director in theatre and did not have any true sense of reality. I mean, who does when they are eighteen years old. The entire idea of freedom sounds so very fascinating, but consequences never cross your mind. Nor does the word responsibility cross it.
The other reason for this realization is because of the amount of friends that I have who are in serious relationships or are engaged. My friends who were just in college organizations with me are planning their weddings! It makes me very excited, but also nervous.
Now don't get me wrong, I truly am excited for all of my friends who are getting married and am genuinely happy for them. It is just strange to me that I am now at the age of when it is socially acceptable to get married. I mean I have friends who have a career! I felt like this is a long way off for me, but I just have a year of schooling left for my undergraduate degree. It seems that life is happening way too quickly and I just want to enjoy and experience every moment of it.
At this point it may seem like I may possibly be opposed to this life change. I will have to disagree with you on that, because this is exciting. Even though each day that I apply for an internship ad go to my dead end job, I keep the hope that my education will get me out of retail and into a career that I will thrive. I also look for excitement that my overall life will bring. I may not know what will happen tomorrow or next week or next year, but I know that this terrifying feeling that I have of this realization will turn into excitement.
Growing up is not a bad experience, it just is an odd when that takes turns with every move you make.