You're writing what?

I have been horrible at blogging for the past month and I can completely explain. I just took the GRE, like I finished it four hours ago. So basically what I am saying is that I have been extremely stressed the last month and what is worst is I feel like I need to take it again.

But lets get off of that negative thing and get on a happier subject. I am tired of working on a writing project and never finishing it. I have about four projects I have in the working, but have never gotten the motivation to completely finish them, but NO MORE!

The way I plan on concurring this issue is by joining NaNoWriMo. I'm sure you may potentially be wondering what this is exactly. WELL, it stands for National Novel Writing Month, which more specifically means one is taking on the challenge of writing a novel in an entire month. That means 50,000 WORDS!!

I'm actually super pumped for this and have been coming up with a good idea of what to write on. What I'm hoping to do, which I'm giving myself some flexibility on this, but I plan on writing a blog each day I write to give an update and maybe some idea of what I'm writing about.

So what do I know now about this potential novel?

Not much actually, which I know is kind of bad since I have to have an idea for it because this event starts in a couple of weeks, but I do have a basic idea.

So what do I have?

A title and the genre. That's it. I have a title, which is what inspired me to actually write this. And the genre came from the research of what type of writing I plan on doing.

My current title (which let's be honest will most likely change...maybe): This Brand of Me

The Genre: New Adult Fiction (a developing genre of fiction with protagonists in the 18-25 age bracket)

What I'm really hoping is that this will give me a fun activity to focus on that will really challenge me. Fifty thousand words is a challenge and especially making sure that your plot stays consistent and interesting. But I'm up for it and ready for the challenge.

Now, I'm going to finish up this post so I can actually plan an outline! Happy writing!

Happy Reflective Birthday

So I have been trying to think of something to post about for a bit of time now and the only thing I can think about is my most current life changing event. Well, I don't know if it is life changing as much as it is another milestone that I have hit in my life.

Yesterday was my birthday and I'm actually not a person who loves celebrating it with huge festivities or claiming it as my own personal holiday. I view it as just another milestone. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy people wishing me a happy birthday but I hate that stupid song (just way too much attention that I do not like to have). But coming back on point, it is another milestone and almost had a very reflective birthday. The best way to describe this is to honestly layout my day.

Yesterday I worked a long shift at work (I worked 6am to 230pm). So I got up before the sun was even a thought and went to work and mainly stayed in the back of the store and restocking the section that I typically work in. I actually didn't mind the shift and thought it was a good shift to have because it is such a specific shift to have. I mean, it was just a super straight-forward, task-oriented day, which I totally love.

After my long shift, I hung out at home before heading over to a friend's house to celebrate my birthday. We called this celebration "the introverted birthday party," which included just the two of talking, having jazz music play in the background and drinking wine. It was an excellent birthday for me, because I don't like the big fuss. The best part about it was the life reflection.

Both my friend and I are at a point in our lives that we are trying to figure out what we are supposed to do. I described my life as a type of saga, where i am constantly on that journey of trying to find myself and my purpose. I have always had a plan for my life and more recently I have been plan-less. I do not have this clear cut direction on my life and there are a couple of different routes that I could go, but I feel so useless because I'm not a hundred percent on any of them. I feel like I am wondering through the woods with an injured leg just trying to survive and trying to find help.

So as we continued to talk about this we then went looking at our childhood and I of course bring up a huge realization on why Snow White is my favorite princess. There is a part of me that has to be strong all the time and I feel like this leads me to be not as gentle and kind as I should be. It causes me to be very harsh and prevents me from being my true self.

Some of the characteristics that Snow White possess, I admire. She is gentle, kind and sees hope in people. One can call her naive, but if she didn't respond to the queen's disguise she would have closed the door of her life and would have never of been able to fall in love. She has a type of strength that I believe is overlooked too often and I admire this quiet strength. In fact, I am envious of this quiet strength because I almost find it more admirable than just being the hero.

This thought has stayed with me since my conversation last night and after describing the type of characters I write in my stories (I write a lot of strong women who are very complicated who both show my strengths [hero] and my biggest faults [villains]). I have been mulling over this and I agree with my friend's statement about it being a type of therapy for myself on a way of clearing my soul of my biggest faults and fears. I find this even more interesting from the characters I wrote about when I was in high school, because they almost foreshadow some of the actions I have done, for example my brash temper with some people. Just the correlation between my characters and myself and one of my favorite literary characters all relate more than I could have ever imagined.

Now this connection did in no way help me figure out what I am doing in my life, but it did help me reach some type of temporary self-actualization of myself. The self-awareness now is both this utterly freeing and weighing feeling all at the same time. It is like the seams of my life are being unstitched together to reform this better hem.

I just feel like this year of my life will be exceedingly difficult in the way of trying to decide my future, but it is necessary and I feel like I will be able to better come to realization with the development of these characters.    

Creative Geniuses

“Colleges hate geniuses, just as convents hate saints.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is the first day of school for many of my friends who are still in college. It is utterly odd for me to have worked a shift this morning and be at a coffee shop later in my day and have no worry of a class schedule, what books to buy, or trying to figure out how early I am going to leave my house so I can get a parking place that isn't on the other side of the campus. It just feels weird not to have school.

I have been going to school for 17 years (yes I'm including preschool). I have had homework, stress, extracurricular activities for 17 years... and I no longer do. Well, I do have stress and I do other types of activities, but it's not the same.

Seventeen years of school and I have to completely admit, I don't miss the format of it at all. As I have had time to look back at my four years of college with the rose colored glasses off of my face, I have come to realize that creativity is really not liked and that people are so one-sided that we are not taught the big picture. Oh, and if any brave soul does bring up a different idea than the rest of the class or a new concept that the professor does not like, then it doesn't matter.

“Colleges hate geniuses, just as convents hate saints.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

 I am choosing this moment to take liberty of changing my view on what genius means. I will start by sharing one  of the many definitions of what genius means from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary:  

Extraordinary intellectual power especially as manifested in creative activity

 The reasoning of focusing on this particular definition is
1. I have never heard this definition of the word
and
2. The part after the adverb is interesting (as manifested in creative activity)

So if my understanding is correct of this definition, a genius can be created and stimulated by creative situations. Does anyone else find this interesting?

Now let's take a quick look at the word creative:
Creative comes from the create, which is starting something new or not imitating something. A synonym of this word is IMAGINATIVE.

“Colleges hate geniuses, just as convents hate saints.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

I bet by this point you might hate the quote I have been posting, but are you finding the deeper meaning? 

The system has been okay with the way they have been doing things for who knows how long and they do not appreciate people calling them out. People, geniuses, saints are challenging institutions or people in power. And what is one thing that causes challenges? Creativity.

Creativity is thinking outside the box. It is looking at an old way and inventing something new from it. I believe there is much of this in today's world and have been digging deeper and deeper into this slow paradigm shift that is happening with how we communicate, how consumers look at different products and how this changing the way we view media.

These connections are key to be able to look to the future and I yearn to learn more. I believe if we are not using transmedia communications and truly understanding both the positive and negative effects of it, then how can we best reach this ever changing consumer base. 

The baby boomer generation is getting older and the millennials are gaining ground and starting careers. We must be prepared to best reach this group and not by cheap gimmicky aspects either. We need to understand how these mediums have become integral parts of their lives and then move our products to be connected with this.

To best do this though is to think creatively. I have ideas forming on how to do this and really do not wish to share them on the web yet, but I believe there are many others just like me who are yearning to challenge the people in power or who set the rules. Too many times we have been asked to read about people who challenged the system (Steve Jobs, Bill Gates and many other people), yet they choose to hinder us to think creatively like the people they admire so much.

This is my declaration of change and my declaration that I will find a unique way of reaching this base. Things are changing and I am determined to be a part of these creative geniuses.

I do not claim to be a genius nor will I ever claim to be this. I do not believe I am smart enough to be considered a genius, but I do believe I dream enough to be driven to make a difference. 

Dreams and challenges won't happen unless we get the motivation to make it happen. So with the start of this new school year for so many, how will we continue learning and challenge what we have be trained and taught to believe? How will we change the world? How will we make a difference instead of just sitting on your computer all day? 

I know I have my motivation of making things happen, how about you?

Understanding Now and Then

I have probably written about 4 entries at this moment and do not feel good about any of them. It's not that I don't like the idea of them, but they are still in the editing phase.  So I will write about a quote from one of my favorite movies.

Samantha: [talking about the night in the graveyard with Crazy Pete] He said something that didn't mean as much then as it does now... He told me that things happen in life that you can't stop but it wasn't a reason to shut out the world...
[sighs]
Wow... I realize that... I've been so afraid of the bad things that um... That I've missed out on the good... You know I didn't wanna come back here... But I'm really glad I did... I'd forgotten how much it helped to have you guys as friends... I'm really lucky to have this place... and each other...

 I first saw the movie Now and Then when I was in middle school, which was perfect at the time since the characters played middle school kids. As I got older, I was able to reflect on what they did more and more. (Let's be honest, when I was 12 I really wanted to make a pact with my friends that we would be there for each other forever)

As I have grown up to be a young adult seeking to have a career, I look at that line from the film and realize just how much I relate to Sam. Even when I was a kid, I always related with Sam with her imagination and wanting to just get away from the small midwest town she grew up in. All through school and especially in high school, I was determined to move away from Ohio and go someplace that people understood me. I was determined not to be stuck here forever and I specifically remember that thought going through my 14 year old mind.

And just like Sam, I have the issue of running away from certain situations. It is just a horrible thing that I am certainly getting better at, but it's true. By my senior year of high school, I was ready to move on and get started on my life. I knew I would not be in contact with all of my friends from high school, which I was able to prepare myself for this thought since I was able to see an idea of this from my two older brothers who ventured that path before me. The idea of not having all the same friends from high school didn't bother me too much, since I was prepared for making new ones.

I'm actually happy that I never made a pact when I was 12 with my friends though, because things do happen in life that we can't stop. I had a ton of friends in high school, who I still am friends with on facebook (whatever that means), but am only in constant contact with only 1 of them. I met this friend in 2nd grade and we have grown so much closer since we have been in college, which I find funny because we live in different states. That just shows how some friendships can last the test of times.

Another reason I like this quote so much is because I have been able to be super thankful for the town I grew up in. It was a small town in the middle of nowhere in Ohio. Literally, it was in the middle of nowhere, like it was so small that Walmart said it would not build a store there since it was so small (the closest one was 30min away [more like 34 minutes away. I just google mapped it]). I hated the fact that we were not close to anything and were surrounded by fields. The city limits, because by population it was considered a small city (I still don't believe them on that), was a mile by a mile.

Now that you understand how small the town I grew up in was, I'm actually thankful for growing up there. I know I had days when I was bored, but I can remember all the good times I had with friends there. I was able to ride my bike around town with ease and really had a safe childhood.

This town wasn't perfect or anything. Each small town has their share of problems, but I was able to play in the orchestra, be in musicals and play, and have a lot of opportunities. Our small town even had a performing arts center in our high school. It wasn't perfect or anything, but it was still something to be proud of. I actually have a lot of proud for my hometown now after I left it.

Do I plan on moving back there? Heck no! I don't think I could ever live that far out in the middle of nowhere again, but it was perfect for my childhood.

The reason I feel so inclined to write about this is because I have had a lot of reflecting time and I've just realized how happy that I started out as a small town girl, because it has really helped me enjoy the little blessings and the great friendship that I have now.

Unassigned Essay Question

So I have been casually reading this YA novel for the past couple of weeks and I completely loved it! John Green's "Looking for Alaska" is a book that I really needed to read, not only because I recently bought the book, but the underlying message of the book was just what I needed at this point in my life. This message was noted throughout the the book, but best asked in an essay that the students must write.

The question that really caused so much thought was: "And so that is the question I leave you with in this final: What is your cause for hope (Green, 216)?" This question was spurred by final words of  Simón Bolívar  (who was a Venezuelan military and political leader), which were "How will I ever get out of this labyrinth!"

Both the question and quote I find are very deep, especially being in a place in my life where it feels like I am wandering through this labyrinth called life. I'm still working in the place where I worked when I was in college and still living at home. In all sense, I am not where I would want to be in this point in my life or a better way to phrase it, I am not where I thought I would be at this point.

This talk of hope, which is a topic that I find myself often writing about and thinking about, seems almost like a faint site right now. I know who/what I have hope in, but it is some of the more practical sense that I feel like I do not have a large cause for hope.

For example, I believe in God and I gave my life to Christ when I was in junior high and strongly believe in Him. I can site all these scriptures speaking of hope and how we must go through tough times, since that is what helps us keep hope. I can also quote one of my favorite passages, which is Lamentations 3:19-23, which speaks so much of hope. I get and understand hope.

Another example: I write stories. I do not share them often, but I have multiple notebooks with different stories, whether they are finished or not is irrelevant, and the biggest theme that I find myself writing about over and over again is hope. The whole story of being taken to the lowest you can go and fighting your way back up or trying to fight against someone/something that is suppressing you is such a wonderful story. It's the story of the underdog and seeing them come out victoriously. That's pretty much half of the movies that are made/ books that are written. We all love those stories and can relate to them.

I have seen hope in many different things, but what is my cause for hope?

The best way for me to answer this is by asking another question. Have you ever had so much hope that you have hoped so much that hoping doesn't seem like it has a point anymore? Does that question even make sense? Or does it just make sense to me? It doesn't really matter does it.

I have been in a state where people have had hope in me to be able to do something and I have been losing hope in myself. This is one of the worst states to be in because:

1. The feeling of hopelessness just plain sucks
2. You feel like you are letting people down since you are not feeling as hopeful
1. Which leads to the feeling of disappointment, which also sucks
3. You pretty much want to roll up in a ball and just hide from the world
4. You become bitter (which also sucks)
5. And life pretty much seems like it sucks all the time

 I understand that this is not the most hopeful answer to this question, but I feel like it is very relevant because we all go through points in our life where hope doesn't seem to make sense or seem practical. Don't get me wrong, hope is one of the best things to have, but don't we all lose hope?

Now looking at it from the main quote perspective, isn't it a bit hopeless to just think of a labyrinth? I mean, a labyrinth is something that is utterly challenging and it is not just physically exhausting to wonder around one, but it is also mentally exhausting. Think about it, life is just overall exhausting and sometimes it just seems easier to give up a bit and be complacent. It may seem easier to just sit in the middle of the labyrinth, because that is not challenging you if you just sit and do nothing. How is that a way of living?

So maybe this feeling of hopelessness leads to the feeling of complacency, which can lead to a realization. This realization is that life sucks and you need to get over it!

If I know and understand what hope is in the many forms it may show up in, then this is a choice to feel hopeless and pitying myself, which is a horrible excuse if you ask me.

"And so that is the question I leave you with in this final: What is your cause for hope (Green, 216)?"

My cause for hope, which may seem futile at times, is always there because I have this hate for being complacent. This feeling urges me to act and do. When you act, this leads to further thinking, which then leads to using your imagination, which then leads to hope.

I do not know how I will get out of this labyrinth or if we are ever supposed to get out of this labyrinth, but I do know that if you hold on to that hope and never let it go, that will be light enough to be able to help lead you through. 

What the What!!!

So today was one of those days that I can say was an utterly humbling day!

Just to give some updates: I'm still working in retail, still living with my parents and pretty much living in a constant state of self-pity and self-loathing since I have not accomplished anything with my life. Meaning, when I was 19 I thought I would have a career after graduation and be living on my own.

Now I'm not wanting anyone to be sad, in fact I think this state is good for me since it is really good for the whole motivation thing (not the whole motivation to be blogging weekly. That I'm still slacking in, but I want to change this again).

But back on topic for today!

I had to be at work at 6am this morning. This is not out of the usual for me, cause this is typically when I have to be at work. SO I'm used to seeing the sun rise from inside a store. For the longest time I have been feeling super sleep deprived since I have been working another job as 1/3 of a youth ministering team, which has caused me to be out really late because of planning and when our youth meet. Since June, I have been getting very little sleep and apparently this was the day it caught up to me.

SIDE NOTE: I am never late to anything. NEVER!!!! I am one of those people who has to make sure that I don't get to a place too early, because I believe if you are 10 minutes early, you are late.

Back to this morning, I woke up at 7:20am...

My first reaction/ words out of my mouth... well, I'm not writing what they were cause I do not believe they are appropriate to write. But after looking back on it, it was funny. I then called the store to which I found my manager laughing at me cause this is completely out of character and she said to come in.

SO then I said I would be there in 20min (FUN NOTE: I was still in my pajamas while saying this). I hung up the phone, pulled out clothes and threw them on, put make-up on (yes, my vanity is still there cause I refuse to go out of the house without cover-up on whether I am running late or not) and ran out the door.

This next part I find hysterically funny since I did have music on while driving to work. The first on the radio that came on as soon as I turned on my car was this:

Then this song came on:

By the end of this song I was at work and about dying in laughter because the songs just were perfect as I was speeding to work, trying to recover my perfect timeliness that was so tarnished today.

Overall, work was good and I was able to somewhat get things accomplished when having a "What the What!!!" type of day.

But the positive that came out of this was the realization that I did not have to be perfect and that everyone has an off day or an off time in their life. This is a time that will pass and I will be able to move on from it. It's days like this that keep me humble and realize just how blessed I am to have understanding managers and to be able to have a job that I am not punished from a silly mistake.

That's all I have today, but until next time, enjoy this song.

Waking Up From Complacency

The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open. – Chuck Palahniuk

 I have officially been done with college for two weeks and have fallen into a place of complacency, which is utterly terrible. Now you are probably thinking this can be a good thing for the fact that I have been so stressed during the school year and that it is good for me to be able to relax and be in a point where nothing is changing so much. There is an area of truth in this, but at the same time it is awful.

I discovered my complacency with life during the last couple days at work. I work in a retail store and it is so easy to just fall into the motions of life in this type of job. You do the same actions each and every day. For example: I walk into work, clock in and check the fitting rooms and grab between 15 to 30 pieces of clothing from the rack and put it back. That pretty much sums up my days, except for the fact that I may have a project that I have to complete, but putting clothes back in their place is always a part of my day. It just seems so second nature to me now that it doesn’t faze me. I could most likely put these clothes away blind-folded because you just gain a memory where you remember where everything goes. Realizing that this doesn’t sound too bad (let’s be realistic, this is equivalent to any other menial job out there), but the part that kills me is when the fitting rooms are a mess.

Let me give a warning here: I have many horror stories about what I have faced in the fitting rooms and being completely honest, some of them can be hysterical because one cannot believe people are just that disgusting, but I will not be going into any of this detail, because I prefer to tell these stories in person and I just can’t write them in a funny way (being completely honest).

Any way, going back onto the topic of complacency, I was sitting on the fitting room floor folding a bunch of clothes and almost finishing my pile. I was so happy that I was almost finished and could potentially start a project, but then my nightmare happened. A customer dumped a bunch of clothes on top of my perfectly sorted pile, made some sort of comment on how horrible my job must be, smiled and then said “sorry.”

This is a regular occurrence in my life. It happens at least 3 times during a shift no matter how long my shift is. Sad, but true.

During this encounter was different; this encounter set a spark off in my brain; this encounter woke something up deep inside me; this encounter made me realize that this cannot be my life and I needed to do something fast to fix it.

The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open. – Chuck Palahniuk

The encounter woke up a part in me that found my motivation in life to search for something more and a purpose; the encounter cut a part of me open and exposing me to a spark of truth. What is this truth you might ask? It is simple actually: you are more than this.

I have so many ideas, dreams and aspirations that my skills are being wasted in this menial job. This does not mean that I am not thankful for this job, because I am. It would be stupid and foolish not to be thankful for this job since so many people are having a difficult time finding employment, but this does not mean that I don’t want something more. I am young and desire to do something more than to clean up after people in a fitting room.

I feel like so many people fall into this state of complacency and find ways to justify it. This was so apparent when I was helping at youth group on Wednesday when the majority of the kids raised their hands when asked the question of “how many of your parents are not happy with their jobs?” This is such an appalling fact for me to see and then having those kids not being able to answer whether they have an idea of what they wanted to be when they went to college. I remember when I was in second grade I wanted to be a chemist, then in 4th-7th grade I wanted to be an archeologist, then from 8th to my senior year of high school I wanted to be something involving English or theatre (yes, I realize I graduated with two degrees in Marketing, but I am finding that English and theatre have a lot to do with this field if you really think about it). I always had a vision with what I wanted to do with my life and yes, I would fall into points where I fell into complacency, but would wake up. I felt like I was relating too much to these kids who did not know what they wanted to do with their life, because I know exactly what I want to do with my life.

I am so tired of being in this state of this complacency that I am ready to wake up and be cut completely open to find the happiness that I want. I am so determined now to find that career that I want to pursue that I am willing to step out on faith and just go for it. Really, what is it going to hurt? I might get turned down, but who cares. The thing that would be worst is not applying at all. That’s the true state of complacency of finding every excuse not to step out and be cut open to find that happiness.