Another Year Older

So yesterday was my birthday and am in my last year at the university I go to. It just seems so surreal. I even had a conversation with a friend discussing being another year older (she is a little over a month older than I). My big moment of wisdom came when I mentioned that we officially can't get away with really stupid acts. There is a standard now that people expect, especially as we are either going to grad school or trying to find a career in the business world.

Now this is not the time that I reminiscence about the time I have spent in school or the lessons that I have faced. No, this will not be that type of blog today.

No, today will be about the conversation that I had with my oldest brother, whom I have recently let enter back into my life, very slowly, but back into my life.

He wished me a happy birthday and then we were talking about my schooling then how I am being stupid. I think he still thinks that I am choosing the easy way out by living where I am living. I don't think he has any clue that I am still trying to find a community to truly fit in like I had at the college I had attended freshman year.

I do have friends, I lead a young adult group at church, I do a lot of volunteering and have many great experiences here, but I just don;t have that tight community. I still struggle with this from time to time when I feel like I have no one to hang out with. I have connected with some people, but unfortunately they go to school two hours away from where I live, which is a little sad for me, but I get over it.

But the area of argument is that I want to find a career around this area. I enjoyed visiting this area, but have come to love where I live. I have ideal places that I would love to settle in and I see so much potential in this area. I really want to be a part of the growth or maybe impact it to grow.

He unfortunately doesn't see the growth and believes I have too much ambition for this area. I understand that He doesn't want me to be stuck, but I have no desire of moving out the state. I never have wanted to leave this state and I wouldn't mind traveling, but not more than a week.

But the area that angers me the most is that he says that I am acting like him. I will say I completely disagree, he was stubborn in the way of burning bridges and not have a complete direction for his life. I have an idea of a direction, I never burn bridges (because you never know how you will need that connection in the future) and I always seek guidance from people I trust (parents, mentors, professors). I also do this thing called praying. I do pray that God will help me find this direction and has really caused me to completely fall in love with this part of the state and feel a responsibility to stay, because if all the ambitious people leave this area, then there will be no growth and revitalization.

My brother I think is trying to help me, but I think he is giving me advice that would have helped him, which does not necessarily help me. I am happy he is concerned, but I am sad he will not hear my reasoning of all the strong businesses here and the new start ups that have been around for 5+ years. I see hope and potential; he sees me being stuck and content. I see a challenge and I know by staying here, I will have a challenge that will never get boring and that's what I need. I don;t need an area that has been consistently good, I would get bored, but here, well I know I'm in the right place.

Growing Up

As I am reaching the impending end of my end of my third year of college, it has recently and most abruptly hit me that I must at some point grow up. This terrifying thought has crossed my mind with my constant search for an internship. As much fun as it is to be an adult and be allowed to do many activities when I would want to, the responsibility is what is the most terrifying of all realizations.
I remember being in high school and dreaming of the day when I would gain the freedom that I so desired. Back then I also wanted to be a director in theatre and did not have any true sense of reality. I mean, who does when they are eighteen years old. The entire idea of freedom sounds so very fascinating, but consequences never cross your mind. Nor does the word responsibility cross it.
The other reason for this realization is because of the amount of friends that I have who are in serious relationships or are engaged. My friends who were just in college organizations with me are planning their weddings! It makes me very excited, but also nervous.
Now don't get me wrong, I truly am excited for all of my friends who are getting married and am genuinely happy for them. It is just strange to me that I am now at the age of when it is socially acceptable to get married. I mean I have friends who have a career! I felt like this is a long way off for me, but I just have a year of schooling left for my undergraduate degree. It seems that life is happening way too quickly and I just want to enjoy and experience every moment of it.
At this point it may seem like I may possibly be opposed to this life change. I will have to disagree with you on that, because this is exciting. Even though each day that I apply for an internship ad go to my dead end job, I keep the hope that my education will get me out of retail and into a career that I will thrive. I also look for excitement that my overall life will bring. I may not know what will happen tomorrow or next week or next year, but I know that this terrifying feeling that I have of this realization will turn into excitement.
Growing up is not a bad experience, it just is an odd when that takes turns with every move you make.

The Beauty from which we thought we knew

So if you couldn't tell from the title, this is going to be about beauty. Why you may ask? Well, because this has been a topic that has been placed before me these last couple of weeks and I thought why not write a blog about it. Here it goes.

It all started when I started reading the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Honestly, I loved reading this book and it helped me uncover items in my own life. It helped me on my journey of discovering that I am truly lovely and do not need to have others tell me that this is true. This has taken me a long time to discover, but am happy to say that I do believe this is true.

Now the next area of beauty that came into my life is from the aspect of the youth that I helped with last winter. I still talk to all of these girls, I just don't lead them anymore in a group. Well, one of the girls is dealing with some weight and issue of feeling beautiful. Her Aunt who I work with at church was telling me about this. It honestly broke my heart that other girls were picking on her and that it even drove her away from playing volleyball, which she was a good player. It just angers me that these girls feel as if they have a right to judge what is beauty and what people should look like.

So, right here, right now, I will try to define what I believe is beauty.
First I will look at the dictionary definition.

Beauty means

1. the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit : loveliness
2. a particularly graceful, ornamental, or excellent quality

I agree that beauty does represent loveliness and thinks that beauty does contain an element of grace, but this definition does not really define beauty.

So what does beauty really entail?
I believe that one cannot truly define or describe what beauty is. The best way to really know what beauty is is to experience it. For example, have you ever stood near any body of water and watched the sun rise or set over the water? The colors are vibrant and you cannot tell what all the colors are. You feel warm rays and the gentle breeze gracefully touching your face. A sense of freedom comes over you and you wish you could capture and hold this feeling forever.

That is what I believe the definition of beauty is. It is what you believe it is. It is the silence that you hear when talking a walk in the woods; the gentle whisper of the wind; the painted sky above us; the laughter of our family or friends; the tear that falls from our face; the small smile that graces our face; the curve of our hips; and the depth of our souls.

Beauty should never be defined by words and even though I tried to give my best definition above, those do not even come close to what beauty is.

Beauty is not defined by those young girls picking on the girl who was in my group. No, they do not even know what beauty is quite yet. For once you start to understand beauty, you start seeing it all around you.

It'll be alright again

So I have truly been expanding my music selection the last couple of months since I have not been on here. This has been specifically geared towards country music and one song has really touched home for me.

Sugarland's "Little Miss" has just really made me think about my life especially in this verse:
Little Miss do your best,
Little Miss never rest,
Little Miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out
Little Miss you'll go far,
Little Miss hide your scars,
Little Miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

The part that really gets me is the "hide your scars." I guess it means so much since I used to hurt myself a lot if I didn't do my best or I messed up. That means I have ended up with a lot of scars on my body. Typically I don't like to talk about my feelings and it's difficult for me to open up to people. At certain points I can totally open up, but it takes quite a while before I will completely open up.

But the part I really enjoy is this:
I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay
Hold on, hold on, you are loved, are loved
Little Miss brand new start,
Little Miss do your part,
Little Miss big ole heart beats wide open, she's ready now for love

Saying that I'm okay is a truthful statement for me, because I was not who I was when I was younger. I am a lot happier and I am loved and I know that it's true.

Since I have finished my first year at the university and will be visiting friends from my old college in the next week, I realized that I have really had a huge brand new start. I feel as if I am not the same person as I was last year. Which I guess is a good thing since a person needs to constantly grow.

But the thing I guess that comes to my mind the most from my entire experience is that I have come to a lot of realizations and to actually admit that I'm okay; that I'm happy with life; that I am actually growing with God in a completely different way; that I may actually be ready for love but still guarding my heart. That last part scares me a bit, but I'm willing to let God take that part of my life and let him be in control.

So I guess I should finish this with the "Little Miss." Hope you enjoy the song as much as I do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCj9dRu0ksM

Dreams

Last night was a very interesting night for me. I went to bed at a decent hour of 11:30 and thought I would get a decent night of sleep. This was not the case at all.
I woke up around 3am and felt this sharpening pain near my heart. The dream I had was the most terrifying dream I have ever had, because it was of me dying. It was very graphic and felt real. I could not go back to sleep and was really scared. I don't think I have ever felt this much fear in my life.
So what I did to relax was to pray, for that was the only thing I could do. The result of the dream really shook me up and I prayed and confessed whatever was on my heart.
After I went to sleep again, I had another dream, which was equally strange but in a different way. I was with a friend and we were just standing around talking. Then a black wind type thing entered into them. Once the black wind thing entered into them, they turned into a dragon and rushed to a group of innocent people. I chased after my friend who turned into the dragon and jumping in front of the group of people. I looked at them and said "The Lord is my light and my Salvation. Whom shall I fear?" I then followed up by saying that I have the armor of God and the armor appeared on me. I then battled my friend and was able to defeat them. Then I woke up.
These two dreams are completely different and both terrify me in a different way, but I feel as if they mean more. I know people have said that dreams are gateways to one's soul, but I'm always a little hesitant on that. Not that I don't believe the importance of dreams, but I just don't take them that seriously.
Now after the night I had, I'm starting to think that they might actually play a bigger role. I don't think I will ever forget either of these dreams, because the details have been playing over and over again in my head like they have a deeper meaning that I haven't figured out yet. I guess I will have to look deeper to think what the true meaning of these dreams are.

Carving Pumpkins

So, I have no idea whether I have mentioned this or not, but I lead a young adult group at church. I have been doing this since The middle of July and have had a great time leading this group. I have been able to find it as a very satisfying thing to lead and have gotten closer with people. I usually lead the group with lessons and am at the head of planning and making sure all the background stuff is completed so that we may proceed to our fun activities.

Each lesson has been fun and I know I have been trying to dive deeper so that I can lead, but it wasn't until today that I personally got really moved.

Today we carved pumpkins. We sat around a table and laughed and had an overall good time. We had Christian templates that we could carve on them and just had a fun time designing and emptying the pumpkins out. It wasn't until one of the girls mentioned she had never carved a pumpkin before is when it hit me.

She is 19yrs old and had missed out on something that I thought was very traditional. She mentioned her family just didn't have the money to purchase a pumpkin and was very excited she got to do this.

As she was saying this, I was just in complete shock. I just never really thought of someone not having enough money to buy a pumpkin to carve, but here she is at this group getting to enjoy her first carved pumpkin.

The true feelings didn't hit me until I was driving home from the church and just thinking a lot about this. Myself and my friend who helps me plan events just chose this cause we thought it would be fun and something traditional that everyone had done in their childhood. We weren't thinking about the idea of someone getting to experience something that they wanted to do when they were little.

It just really made me think that as young adults, we can actually make a difference in each others lives. Just by having events like carving pumpkins and having movie nights or game nights can totally help a person feel accepted and that people actually care about them.

I will be the first to admit that this group is a bit of a random group of people, but the more I have started to lead it, the more I feel like this is the perfect place for me. I honestly have no idea where everyone is on their walk, but I think that me just being there and having this group keep going is going to be the best purpose of all cause it causes the people who didn't necessarily fit into youth group have a group where they are cared about and missed if they don't show up.

So just remember when you are carving your pumpkin this Halloween that there is a child somewhere wishing that they could carve a pumpkin too. This thought may be sad, but just remember that you could maybe give them the chance to carve a pumpkin sometime in their future, cause maybe that's all they really need.

That was weird...

Today was really a surreal type of day for me. I went to church and was really happy and have had a peaceful weekend. Now it gets really weird after the first service.

I go and lead the young adult group and we meet outside. We are all laughing about our weeks and just having an overall good time. It isn't until I go inside and help a friend named A with the media. A did the sound and I did the powerpoint. It's not until the children's moment when I notice I have some red bumps on my arm. So, I tell A that I'm going to be right back.

As the service progresses, my arms start to swell up with a rash and my legs do the same. My body starts to get warm in the area where the rash is and I start getting nervous. I had not touched anything and did nothing new.

A also was nervous so we decide to leave church and go to the ER. We sat at the ER for an hour and a half. During this time, my swelling and itching starts to go down. This was just very interesting because this rash which isn't a rash started healing before my eyes.

As of now, I have almost no signs of swelling or the rash. This whole thing started and ended quickly. I still don't understand why my arms and legs swelled the way they did and became itchy, but they did. I just find this whole instance quite odd.

But I will say this, I kept positive the whole time which leads me to the fact that this whole thing was slightly funny.