I completely understand that I should be writing a paper and/or proofreading a friends paper for that same class. Yet, I really have absolutely no motivation to actually write this ( I will probably be writing it frantically tonight, but I at least have the research for it all done).
What I'm really thinking about is the future. I swear I have been so focused on school and had kind of an idea of what I wanted to do with everything that I swear I haven't actually taken the time I have needed to figure out what I have want to actually do with my life. For example, I don't know if I'm truly fit for some of these traditional marketing positions since my thought process is just so different.
The way that my mind processes situations are just done in a story. Literally, my thought process kind of looks like this:
Yep, if you remember your English classes then you should recall that this is a Plot Map. The only difficulty with having a mind thinking in this way is that you never have too many resolutions, since life is not like a novel.
But having this as my typical thought process, it makes me think kind of in a oddly creative way. For example, I ca just look at a person and can quickly create a back story for them (because who doesn't love back stories?).
This also causes me to understand really odd things that can be exceptionally weird, but it makes perfect sense. An actual example of this is the musical "Cats." I am one of the very few people who believes that it actually has a plot line and you just have to pay attention to be able to understand it. It's actually a great story and no, I will not explain it right now. I am a big enough of a nerd, I don't need to show my nerd card to you.
But if you have actually read this then you are probably wondering how this all correlates with about my future. I really believe that if you want to pursue something and it is not out there, then create it. I find it so ironic that the education is cutting the arts yet I swear people are expressing their creativity so much more or people are using the internet to actually express themselves. There is this whole online community creating webseries, blogs and so many other types of entertainment and education out on the web AND my education at the University is just turning the other cheek at this. They are refusing to embrace this changing medium and how different careers are crossing over.
I believe I will find something that will fit in this category, because lets face it, people want change and I'm seeing the movement. Creativity will always beat out these "standardized" test that absolutely tell us nothing other than people can memorize facts. There are people out there who want to change this and I believe that this is coming.
So I am about to graduate from the University that I go to. Next Friday I am free and then need to find a future career path... you know that thing that every college graduate is currently trying to do, find the starting career.
Anyway, today I experienced something I never really understood until now.
I have an older brother who has experienced panic attacks and never really sympathized with him on this issue. I can't really explain why, but something in my mind just never comprehended the feeling that someone was not able to handle that amount of stress even though many people deal with this.
Today I had a panic attack in between my strategic management class and my practicum. Through the entire day, I had felt shortness of breath, lightheaded and an increased heart rate. I felt like I was constantly rushed the entire day because of the amount of stress that I have been dealing with, especially with the unknown feeling of being able to pass my practicum or not. This feeling led me to one of the scariest moments that I had dealt with because I did not want to scare my friends, because let's be honest, that would stress me out even more and I did not need that.
Through my last class I was able to calm down enough and was fine by the time I walked to my car. The fact though is still clear that I have not been doing what I have needed to be doing this semester and I am not meaning with school work (I honestly think this semester, I have worked so much more on homework than I have ever done in my life. Like the semester cannot finish soon enough). I feel like I have honestly have neglected my faith.
I feel like such a horrible example for the youth group kids that I have been working with when creating this youth/young adult worship service. I have been saying how great God is and all and in all reality have been struggling with my faith so much. It's like I know that I should just give all my issues to God and he can totally handle them all, but nooo, I'm being such a total hypocrite.
But getting back to today, I still wasn't feeling the best. Honestly, even though our meeting went well with our professor, I still felt really defeated. Like even though she promises that she will forget our big screw up from earlier in the semester, that it still won't matter because it feels like our work will never be good enough. It's this feeling that I have honestly been feeling but have been putting up such a huge front with my group by staying so positive, but in all actuality, been feeling like a kicked puppy who is shuddering in the corner.
So I'm feeling super defeat, even though I know we will pass and with a good meeting that will lead to some more work, and I just was ready to leave school and just get home to relax. So i walk to my car and just drive home. By the time I turn on the radio, this song plays:
"I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break
And know I'll never ever let you go"
I know there are many people who don't believe in God, but I do believe God uses moments like driving home in your car feeling so utterly defeated as a type of burning bush, well at least my burning bush.
I will completely admit that when this song got to the chorus, I completely broke down and was crying. This sounds so crazy, welcome to my Christian walk, but it made so much sense. Like everything that I was dealing with now was helping me. This panic attack, as horrible as it was, was all my fault because I refused to take a break by reading, exercising and just taking care of my body and mind. This song was the reminder of just how ridiculous I have been acting this semester.
Yes, I understand that I have every right to be stressed, but the reason I am stressed is not justifiable. There is a verse (1 Corinthians 10:13) that I cling to all the time says:
No test or temptation
that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to
face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down;
he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to
help you come through it.
I have a right to be angry; I have a right to be frustrated that I feel like I have learned nothing this semester; I have the right to be bitter and complain; but I also have the right to stay positive and react to life in a different way than what I have been doing.
I always claim that I hate it when Christians act like total hypocrites and don't rely on God and just put on their "church face," but that's exactly what I have been doing. I have turned into the thing that I have hated and claimed I would never turn into.
At the end of this, you are probably thinking that I am happy I dealt with this panic attack and to be honest with you (which why would I lie on this blog. That's a pretty stupid thing to do in my opinion and plus it's called speaking inferno, which really means the things I am afraid to say aloud. Because speaking my true opinions and thoughts is hell to me at times because I hate to feel vulnerable), I am happy I dealt with it. I'm actually happy for a couple of reasons:
I was able to control it and not let it take over me. It didn't bring me down and I was able to calm myself down and distract myself from the issues I was dealing with.
It was unfortunately needed to be the wake up call for me change some of the things I have been doing with my life and I am not just speaking about my Christian walk either. I looked up things that can actually escalate panic attacks and found out caffeine can make it soooo much worse, which is good to know since I had a lot of caffeine these last couple of days.
It also was good, because now I can totally empathize with my brother and others. This was not a good feeling and is not something to view as a weakness and can happen to anyone.
Anyway, this blog post has been long enough if you even read through this entire thing. If you have read this entire thing then more power to you! Seriously, much respect to you.
But a better conclusion than "much respect to you," I learned a lot about myself today and I am really thankful that I had to deal with this. I know what I have been handed, I can totally handle it only if I just step back and give the steering wheel to God, which let's be honest is a super hard thing to do. I know I won't be perfect, because I screw up at least a couple times a day. But even though I screw up and will still fall to being under too much stress, I can at least remind myself of this day and feel like a part of my burden is being lifted off of my back.
So yesterday was my birthday and am in my last year at the university I go to. It just seems so surreal. I even had a conversation with a friend discussing being another year older (she is a little over a month older than I). My big moment of wisdom came when I mentioned that we officially can't get away with really stupid acts. There is a standard now that people expect, especially as we are either going to grad school or trying to find a career in the business world.
Now this is not the time that I reminiscence about the time I have spent in school or the lessons that I have faced. No, this will not be that type of blog today.
No, today will be about the conversation that I had with my oldest brother, whom I have recently let enter back into my life, very slowly, but back into my life.
He wished me a happy birthday and then we were talking about my schooling then how I am being stupid. I think he still thinks that I am choosing the easy way out by living where I am living. I don't think he has any clue that I am still trying to find a community to truly fit in like I had at the college I had attended freshman year.
I do have friends, I lead a young adult group at church, I do a lot of volunteering and have many great experiences here, but I just don;t have that tight community. I still struggle with this from time to time when I feel like I have no one to hang out with. I have connected with some people, but unfortunately they go to school two hours away from where I live, which is a little sad for me, but I get over it.
But the area of argument is that I want to find a career around this area. I enjoyed visiting this area, but have come to love where I live. I have ideal places that I would love to settle in and I see so much potential in this area. I really want to be a part of the growth or maybe impact it to grow.
He unfortunately doesn't see the growth and believes I have too much ambition for this area. I understand that He doesn't want me to be stuck, but I have no desire of moving out the state. I never have wanted to leave this state and I wouldn't mind traveling, but not more than a week.
But the area that angers me the most is that he says that I am acting like him. I will say I completely disagree, he was stubborn in the way of burning bridges and not have a complete direction for his life. I have an idea of a direction, I never burn bridges (because you never know how you will need that connection in the future) and I always seek guidance from people I trust (parents, mentors, professors). I also do this thing called praying. I do pray that God will help me find this direction and has really caused me to completely fall in love with this part of the state and feel a responsibility to stay, because if all the ambitious people leave this area, then there will be no growth and revitalization.
My brother I think is trying to help me, but I think he is giving me advice that would have helped him, which does not necessarily help me. I am happy he is concerned, but I am sad he will not hear my reasoning of all the strong businesses here and the new start ups that have been around for 5+ years. I see hope and potential; he sees me being stuck and content. I see a challenge and I know by staying here, I will have a challenge that will never get boring and that's what I need. I don;t need an area that has been consistently good, I would get bored, but here, well I know I'm in the right place.
As I am reaching the impending end of my end of my third year of college, it has recently and most abruptly hit me that I must at some point grow up. This terrifying thought has crossed my mind with my constant search for an internship. As much fun as it is to be an adult and be allowed to do many activities when I would want to, the responsibility is what is the most terrifying of all realizations. I remember being in high school and dreaming of the day when I would gain the freedom that I so desired. Back then I also wanted to be a director in theatre and did not have any true sense of reality. I mean, who does when they are eighteen years old. The entire idea of freedom sounds so very fascinating, but consequences never cross your mind. Nor does the word responsibility cross it. The other reason for this realization is because of the amount of friends that I have who are in serious relationships or are engaged. My friends who were just in college organizations with me are planning their weddings! It makes me very excited, but also nervous. Now don't get me wrong, I truly am excited for all of my friends who are getting married and am genuinely happy for them. It is just strange to me that I am now at the age of when it is socially acceptable to get married. I mean I have friends who have a career! I felt like this is a long way off for me, but I just have a year of schooling left for my undergraduate degree. It seems that life is happening way too quickly and I just want to enjoy and experience every moment of it. At this point it may seem like I may possibly be opposed to this life change. I will have to disagree with you on that, because this is exciting. Even though each day that I apply for an internship ad go to my dead end job, I keep the hope that my education will get me out of retail and into a career that I will thrive. I also look for excitement that my overall life will bring. I may not know what will happen tomorrow or next week or next year, but I know that this terrifying feeling that I have of this realization will turn into excitement. Growing up is not a bad experience, it just is an odd when that takes turns with every move you make.
So if you couldn't tell from the title, this is going to be about beauty. Why you may ask? Well, because this has been a topic that has been placed before me these last couple of weeks and I thought why not write a blog about it. Here it goes.
It all started when I started reading the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Honestly, I loved reading this book and it helped me uncover items in my own life. It helped me on my journey of discovering that I am truly lovely and do not need to have others tell me that this is true. This has taken me a long time to discover, but am happy to say that I do believe this is true.
Now the next area of beauty that came into my life is from the aspect of the youth that I helped with last winter. I still talk to all of these girls, I just don't lead them anymore in a group. Well, one of the girls is dealing with some weight and issue of feeling beautiful. Her Aunt who I work with at church was telling me about this. It honestly broke my heart that other girls were picking on her and that it even drove her away from playing volleyball, which she was a good player. It just angers me that these girls feel as if they have a right to judge what is beauty and what people should look like.
So, right here, right now, I will try to define what I believe is beauty. First I will look at the dictionary definition.
Beauty means
the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit :loveliness
a particularly graceful, ornamental, or excellent quality
I agree that beauty does represent loveliness and thinks that beauty does contain an element of grace, but this definition does not really define beauty.
So what does beauty really entail? I believe that one cannot truly define or describe what beauty is. The best way to really know what beauty is is to experience it. For example, have you ever stood near any body of water and watched the sun rise or set over the water? The colors are vibrant and you cannot tell what all the colors are. You feel warm rays and the gentle breeze gracefully touching your face. A sense of freedom comes over you and you wish you could capture and hold this feeling forever.
That is what I believe the definition of beauty is. It is what you believe it is. It is the silence that you hear when talking a walk in the woods; the gentle whisper of the wind; the painted sky above us; the laughter of our family or friends; the tear that falls from our face; the small smile that graces our face; the curve of our hips; and the depth of our souls.
Beauty should never be defined by words and even though I tried to give my best definition above, those do not even come close to what beauty is.
Beauty is not defined by those young girls picking on the girl who was in my group. No, they do not even know what beauty is quite yet. For once you start to understand beauty, you start seeing it all around you.
So I have truly been expanding my music selection the last couple of months since I have not been on here. This has been specifically geared towards country music and one song has really touched home for me.
Sugarland's "Little Miss" has just really made me think about my life especially in this verse: Little Miss do your best, Little Miss never rest, Little Miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out Little Miss you'll go far, Little Miss hide your scars, Little Miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about
The part that really gets me is the "hide your scars." I guess it means so much since I used to hurt myself a lot if I didn't do my best or I messed up. That means I have ended up with a lot of scars on my body. Typically I don't like to talk about my feelings and it's difficult for me to open up to people. At certain points I can totally open up, but it takes quite a while before I will completely open up.
But the part I really enjoy is this: I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay Hold on, hold on, you are loved, are loved Little Miss brand new start, Little Miss do your part, Little Miss big ole heart beats wide open, she's ready now for love
Saying that I'm okay is a truthful statement for me, because I was not who I was when I was younger. I am a lot happier and I am loved and I know that it's true.
Since I have finished my first year at the university and will be visiting friends from my old college in the next week, I realized that I have really had a huge brand new start. I feel as if I am not the same person as I was last year. Which I guess is a good thing since a person needs to constantly grow.
But the thing I guess that comes to my mind the most from my entire experience is that I have come to a lot of realizations and to actually admit that I'm okay; that I'm happy with life; that I am actually growing with God in a completely different way; that I may actually be ready for love but still guarding my heart. That last part scares me a bit, but I'm willing to let God take that part of my life and let him be in control.
Last night was a very interesting night for me. I went to bed at a decent hour of 11:30 and thought I would get a decent night of sleep. This was not the case at all. I woke up around 3am and felt this sharpening pain near my heart. The dream I had was the most terrifying dream I have ever had, because it was of me dying. It was very graphic and felt real. I could not go back to sleep and was really scared. I don't think I have ever felt this much fear in my life. So what I did to relax was to pray, for that was the only thing I could do. The result of the dream really shook me up and I prayed and confessed whatever was on my heart. After I went to sleep again, I had another dream, which was equally strange but in a different way. I was with a friend and we were just standing around talking. Then a black wind type thing entered into them. Once the black wind thing entered into them, they turned into a dragon and rushed to a group of innocent people. I chased after my friend who turned into the dragon and jumping in front of the group of people. I looked at them and said "The Lord is my light and my Salvation. Whom shall I fear?" I then followed up by saying that I have the armor of God and the armor appeared on me. I then battled my friend and was able to defeat them. Then I woke up. These two dreams are completely different and both terrify me in a different way, but I feel as if they mean more. I know people have said that dreams are gateways to one's soul, but I'm always a little hesitant on that. Not that I don't believe the importance of dreams, but I just don't take them that seriously. Now after the night I had, I'm starting to think that they might actually play a bigger role. I don't think I will ever forget either of these dreams, because the details have been playing over and over again in my head like they have a deeper meaning that I haven't figured out yet. I guess I will have to look deeper to think what the true meaning of these dreams are.
