So I have been trying to think of something to post about for a bit of time now and the only thing I can think about is my most current life changing event. Well, I don't know if it is life changing as much as it is another milestone that I have hit in my life.
Yesterday was my birthday and I'm actually not a person who loves celebrating it with huge festivities or claiming it as my own personal holiday. I view it as just another milestone. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy people wishing me a happy birthday but I hate that stupid song (just way too much attention that I do not like to have). But coming back on point, it is another milestone and almost had a very reflective birthday. The best way to describe this is to honestly layout my day.
Yesterday I worked a long shift at work (I worked 6am to 230pm). So I got up before the sun was even a thought and went to work and mainly stayed in the back of the store and restocking the section that I typically work in. I actually didn't mind the shift and thought it was a good shift to have because it is such a specific shift to have. I mean, it was just a super straight-forward, task-oriented day, which I totally love.
After my long shift, I hung out at home before heading over to a friend's house to celebrate my birthday. We called this celebration "the introverted birthday party," which included just the two of talking, having jazz music play in the background and drinking wine. It was an excellent birthday for me, because I don't like the big fuss. The best part about it was the life reflection.
Both my friend and I are at a point in our lives that we are trying to figure out what we are supposed to do. I described my life as a type of saga, where i am constantly on that journey of trying to find myself and my purpose. I have always had a plan for my life and more recently I have been plan-less. I do not have this clear cut direction on my life and there are a couple of different routes that I could go, but I feel so useless because I'm not a hundred percent on any of them. I feel like I am wondering through the woods with an injured leg just trying to survive and trying to find help.
So as we continued to talk about this we then went looking at our childhood and I of course bring up a huge realization on why Snow White is my favorite princess. There is a part of me that has to be strong all the time and I feel like this leads me to be not as gentle and kind as I should be. It causes me to be very harsh and prevents me from being my true self.
Some of the characteristics that Snow White possess, I admire. She is gentle, kind and sees hope in people. One can call her naive, but if she didn't respond to the queen's disguise she would have closed the door of her life and would have never of been able to fall in love. She has a type of strength that I believe is overlooked too often and I admire this quiet strength. In fact, I am envious of this quiet strength because I almost find it more admirable than just being the hero.
This thought has stayed with me since my conversation last night and after describing the type of characters I write in my stories (I write a lot of strong women who are very complicated who both show my strengths [hero] and my biggest faults [villains]). I have been mulling over this and I agree with my friend's statement about it being a type of therapy for myself on a way of clearing my soul of my biggest faults and fears. I find this even more interesting from the characters I wrote about when I was in high school, because they almost foreshadow some of the actions I have done, for example my brash temper with some people. Just the correlation between my characters and myself and one of my favorite literary characters all relate more than I could have ever imagined.
Now this connection did in no way help me figure out what I am doing in my life, but it did help me reach some type of temporary self-actualization of myself. The self-awareness now is both this utterly freeing and weighing feeling all at the same time. It is like the seams of my life are being unstitched together to reform this better hem.
I just feel like this year of my life will be exceedingly difficult in the way of trying to decide my future, but it is necessary and I feel like I will be able to better come to realization with the development of these characters.
