Total Panic

So I am about to graduate from the University that I go to. Next Friday I am free and then need to find a future career path... you know that thing that every college graduate is currently trying to do, find the starting career.

Anyway, today I experienced something I never really understood until now.

I have an older brother who has experienced panic attacks and never really sympathized with him on this issue. I can't really explain why, but something in my mind just never comprehended the feeling that someone was not able to handle that amount of stress even though many people deal with this.

Today I had a panic attack in between my strategic management class and my practicum. Through the entire day, I had felt shortness of breath, lightheaded and an increased heart rate. I felt like I was constantly rushed the entire day because of the amount of stress that I have been dealing with, especially with the unknown feeling of being able to pass my practicum or not. This feeling led me to one of the scariest moments that I had dealt with because I did not want to scare my friends, because let's be honest, that would stress me out even more and I did not need that.

Through my last class I was able to calm down enough and was fine by the time I walked to my car. The fact though is still clear that I have not been doing what I have needed to be doing this semester and I am not meaning with school work (I honestly think this semester, I have worked so much more on homework than I have ever done in my life. Like the semester cannot finish soon enough). I feel like I have honestly have neglected my faith.

I feel like such a horrible example for the youth group kids that I have been working with when creating this youth/young adult worship service. I have been saying how great God is and all and in all reality have been struggling with my faith so much. It's like I know that I should just give all my issues to God and he can totally handle them all, but nooo, I'm being such a total hypocrite.

 But getting back to today, I still wasn't feeling the best. Honestly, even though our meeting went well with our professor, I still felt really defeated. Like even though she promises that she will forget our big screw up from earlier in the semester, that it still won't matter because it feels like our work will never be good enough. It's this feeling that I have honestly been feeling but have been putting up such a huge front with my group by staying so positive, but in all actuality, been feeling like a kicked puppy who is shuddering in the corner.

So I'm feeling super defeat, even though I know we will pass and with a good meeting that will lead to some more work, and I just was ready to leave school and just get home to relax. So i walk to my car and just drive home. By the time I turn on the radio, this song plays:

"I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break
And know I'll never ever let you go"

I know there are many people who don't believe in God, but I do believe God uses moments like driving home in your car feeling so utterly defeated as a type of burning bush, well at least my burning bush.

I will completely admit that when this song got to the chorus, I completely broke down and was crying. This sounds so crazy, welcome to my Christian walk, but it made so much sense. Like everything that I was dealing with now was helping me. This panic attack, as horrible as it was, was all my fault because I refused to take a break by reading, exercising and just taking care of my body and mind. This song was the reminder of just how ridiculous I have been acting this semester. 

Yes, I understand that I have every right to be stressed, but the reason I am stressed is not justifiable. There is a verse (1 Corinthians 10:13) that I cling to all the time says:

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.

 I have a right to be angry; I have a right to be frustrated that I feel like I have learned nothing this semester; I have the right to be bitter and complain; but I also have the right to stay positive and react to life in a different way than what I have been doing.

I always claim that I hate it when Christians act like total hypocrites and don't rely on God and just put on their "church face," but that's exactly what I have been doing. I have turned into the thing that I have hated and claimed I would never turn into.

At the end of this, you are probably thinking that I am happy I dealt with this panic attack and to be honest with you (which why would I lie on this blog. That's a pretty stupid thing to do in my opinion and plus it's called speaking inferno, which really means the things I am afraid to say aloud. Because speaking my true opinions and thoughts is hell to me at times because I hate to feel vulnerable), I am happy I dealt with it.  I'm actually happy for a couple of reasons:

1. I was able to control it and not let it take over me. It didn't bring me down and I was able to calm myself down and distract myself from the issues I was dealing with.
2. It was unfortunately needed to be the wake up call for me change some of the things I have been doing with my life and I am not just speaking about my Christian walk either. I looked up things that can actually escalate panic attacks and found out caffeine can make it soooo much worse, which is good to know since I had a lot of caffeine these last couple of days.
3. It also was good, because now I can totally empathize with my brother and others. This was not a good feeling and is not something to view as a weakness and can happen to anyone.

Anyway, this blog post has been long enough if you even read through this entire thing. If you have read this entire thing then more power to you! Seriously, much respect to you.

But a better conclusion than "much respect to you," I learned a lot about myself today and I am really thankful that I had to deal with this. I know what I have been handed, I can totally handle it only if I just step back and give the steering wheel to God, which let's be honest is a super hard thing to do. I know I won't be perfect, because I screw up at least a couple times a day. But even though I screw up and will still fall to being under too much stress, I can at least remind myself of this day and feel like a part of my burden is being lifted off of my back.