You see, I attended a spiritual retreat a couple weekends ago called an Emmaus Walk. The whole weekend is based on the passage in Luke 24:13-35 and is filled with many talks and times of reflections. There are a lot of amazing moments that take place during the Thursday evening till Sunday evening, but I am not going to go into all of the events that took place during the weekend. No, what I am going to go into the detail is how the wall that had been surrounding my heart for far too long was torn down and how my heart has been changed.
Where to begin? Well, the best place to start is how this wall was built up around me and made it difficult for me to open up to anyone. You see, when I transferred schools, I started a young adult group at church since I saw a need and refused to sit complacent. There were many times that were difficult and was so worth it to see the positive things that came out of the group, but I began to feel empty since I was giving everything of myself and was not refueling. Then there was a time that I wanted this group to head up something for the kids, but got burned by someone in the church and started to separate myself from the church. I started attending less and less of the young adult groups and was feeling very frustrated and alone. I then slowly started joining this young adult worship team at church an was slowly starting to feel okay, but there were too many in the group who thought it more as an entertaining aspect than worship. Then the new Youth Leader asked me if I was willing to help out with the youth and be one of three young adult leaders within the youth group. I told him I would check it out and started to get active with that. I started getting close with the two guys who were also the young adult leaders and it was going great. Then the youth leader left and the three of us were placed as interim youth leaders and faced many hardships. Also during the time of being a youth leader, my dad (who was my pastor as well) was facing difficulty with the congregation. I felt very lonely and started opening up with one of the other youth leaders who I worked with and he was pretty much my only confidant who I would be vulnerable with. My dad later moved to a different church and I felt very broken and untrusting of the church in general. I tried finding another church to attend, but no one welcomed me in and I started feeling like community in the church didn't exist. This brokenness carried over in a lot of other places in my life and I tried finding other things to fill in the gap that I was feeling and of course, nothing felt right. I was going through the motions and felt alone even when friends surrounded me. Life just didn't feel like it was right.
So when I was able to go on this walk, I knew it would change me, but I never expected it to change me as much as it did.
The first night I talked with people and laughed and it was fun. Friday is when the wall that surrounded my heart started to crack with a number of the talks that we had. It became harder and harder for me to wear the mask of looking like I had it together. Then Saturday came around and there was one talk that was like God unleashed a sledgehammer to the wall surrounding my heart to find a way into it. I won't lie; it hurt. I had not felt that vulnerable in such a long time and after that talk, I could not look up. I forgot what it felt like to be vulnerable and was filled with so much fear with anyone knowing just how much pain I had been fostering for so long. Fortunately, one of the leaders who saw me from across the room spotted me looking down and knew something was up. She came over to me and asked if she could pray for me. If there was any wall left surrounding my heart at that point, she had the final blow to take it down.
With a wall down, I had to face all the hurt and all the pain and all the denial I had been covering up for so long. There was no more hiding it and I broke down. I broke down once with a friend who I made on the trip and that evening with on of the spiritual advisors. It was when talking with the spiritual advisor that I finally realized how empty I had been and had been dragging myself along life. The one thing that got me (which to be honest is not the first time I have been asked this question) is that she had asked me how I was still able to go to church? It's a legit question after the amount of hurt I had faced from the church, but I gave her an answer without even thinking it over. "I go to see God."
With the amount of hurt I had faced, with all the times I tried to fill the hole in my heart (whether with an unhealthy relationship with someone or having a few too many drinks to numb the pain), I still went to church every Sunday so I could have the chance to encounter God. I so badly wanted to break down and have someone ask me, "How is it with you Soul?" And you know what? I did. That entire weekend broke down every wall I had built up and helped me let go of one of the most painful times of my life and was finally able to forgive them all and to let it go.
So, I bet you may be wondering why this is entitled "My 4th Day"? Well, it is a phrase that goes with Emmaus of what happens beyond the walk, beyond the weekend experience. It is the choice of whether we are going to allow this experience to stay during the weekend or change us for the rest of our lives. For me, I'm choosing to let it change me. There are many things that I have been able to see change in my life just from returning from the walk. There are also many things that I know will be coming in my future; I just am not sure what they fully are. All I know is that it will be okay, because I have Jesus walking beside me during whatever I am facing.
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