I always am nervous about taking that next step, but Kelley has never been like that. She has always been my fearless child who looks at a problem and faces it head on.My reaction was silence, but in my head I had to calm myself down as not to vomit at the idea that I'm fearless.
After my aunt left, I approached my mom and asked her why she thought I was fearless and could handle things. Her response was roughly this:
You just view life in a different way. You don't let life get you down and you see the good in all situations. You've never let any stumbling block hold you back and you continue on.Once again, my reaction was silence.
I find it interesting to actually hear the perceptions that people have of me. It's like this weird thing I like to know, since I find it as a tool to grow (I know, I'm an odd one, but if you haven't figured that out by now then that's just odd). But I find it especially interesting to hear what my parents think of me and in those true honest moments of conversation, that's where you can find out.
My mom views me as fearless with taking the next steps of life...
She views me as fearless...
I definitely don't view myself as fearless.
I just find this perception of me, even though it's a good perception, as hard to imagine. Maybe it is because I deal with my fears internally every single day. I show so much fear when a big thunderstorm comes rolling in, I can't handle animals flying by my head without ducking and slightly freaking out, sometimes when I feel so much pressure from people I have to control myself from causing myself to having a panic attack, and sometimes the fear of me being so unqualified for anything in life encroaches my mind (this one I have had the most success of conquering).
And even though I deal with this all on a daily basis, she views me as being dauntless.
This perception of me bothered me (I know, I'm odd for letting a good perception bother me), because I felt like I didn't deserve it. I know I have faced some challenges in my life like having some hearing loss (I was born with not being able to hear certain tones. It doesn't bother me, since I'm used to it) and having to be in speech therapy since before entering into school throughout elementary school and part of middle school (there are still times I have difficulty pronouncing some words and I try my hardest to avoid certain words so people don't pick up on it). I don't think of handling this bravely, because I just lived. I wanted to do theatre and take vocal lessons when I was in high school, it didn't occur to me that it was interesting especially since I spent so long in speech therapy when I was little. I just worked hard to not have it noticeable. And I have faced some other things in life that I do not want to go into detail with, but I don't view having been through times of my life as brave.
Maybe the other part that bothers me about this is that my name actually means brave. I'm one of those people who enjoy etymology and seeing if you match up with your name (I find you typically do). I think the best explanation of what I am trying to say can be summed up by a poem by one of my favorite modern day poets:
My knees still buckle every time I get on a stage. My self-confidence can be measured out in teaspoons mixed into my poetry, and it still always tastes funny in my mouth. ~ Sarah Kay
So if you tell me I can do the impossible, I'll probably laugh at you. I don't know if I can change the world yet, because I don't know that about it -- and I don't know that much about reincarnation either, but if you make me laugh hard enough, sometimes I forget what century I'm in. This isn't my first time here. This isn't my last time here. These aren't the last words I'll share. But just in case, I'm trying my hardest to get it right this time around. ~ Sarah Kay
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